Being organised and knowing in advanced what I’ll be doing is my way of dealing with daily chores and, in the long run, with the future. I know I can’t label, note down or predict everything but I feel better when there is order and consistency in my life. But (in certain situations I adore these buts!) this weekend made me see things from a different perspective – the one of unexpected things.

Working from home is divine! I know have two days a week when I wake up early because I want to, not because I have to, when I don’t rush to work, when I cook and work even more, when I can enjoy a pot of my favourite tea instead of endless cups of so-so tea, when I spend time with Urma (if she wants) and when I am constantly smiling. I feel as if a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders!

Friday night, as we were leaving the restaurant and wanted to head home, we accidentally bumped into Amalia and Ovidiu – I haven’t seen her in ages! and me and Ovidiu said we’d meet for a tea one day – and I was so happy to see them, the surprise was so intense, that we decided on the spot to go somewhere together and catch up. And so we did. We haven’t been drinking and socializing in a very long time and it was great to do it again. There were so many things we shared with one another, so many laughs we weren’t able to hold back (and why should we?) – it was so so good! And while we were staggering home I realised that unpredictable outings are the best.

And then there are people which I can’t get enough of. We see each other almost daily at work and then I still want to see them afterwards, to go somewhere and talk even more, spend more time together. And I think it’s a good thing that I’m still able to feel that way about certain people, that it’s not only about people disappointing me but also about great friends who have found a special place in my heart and who will stay there a long long time.

There are things happening in my friends’ lives that make me both very happy and a bit sad. I am happy for every good thing that happens to them, for every dream come true, but when that dream is moving away to a different country I can’t help but feel a bit sad. Don’t get me wrong, I’d move somewhere else tomorrow if I had the chance, but I guess it’s more difficult for the ones you leave behind. Martha is away and we still have a very special relationship and I’m sure that I’m going to keep in touch with A. (the good part is that she’s moving to a town 17 km away from where Martha’s studying!) but I will miss our daily harmless bickering, her being there to support me when I feel down, standing up for myself and all the other lovely things she has done for me in the last year since we became closer. Now I will have one more good reason to visit Germany but my days here and at work will be less colourful. I just hope she’ll be as happy there as I want her to be.

25, depressed, frustrated and tired.

I’m always in a very bad mood before and right after my birthday and I act like a total bitch. But then I get all these lovely things and for a second, just for a second, it feels good.

Among pretty colourful presents I got a more… technical one. I love my new camera lens but I don’t know how to use it! I’m not going to make a fool of my myself and admit that I manhandled it from the first day but at least I’ve read some reviews and in theory I should be able to use it without a problem.

But until spring arrives and I can go outside with my camera without fearing that I might slip and land on it, here are a couple of pics taken with the Lensbaby Composer.

I am incapable of being content. Not happy – content. Since I can remember I have always wanted to be someone else. Not to have what someone has, but to be them. No matter how many things I buy, how many cities I visit, how many books I read, how many boyfriends I have, I’m still dissatisfied, disappointed, unhappy. And it’s all my fault. Actually, I don’t know if I call it ‘fault’. It’s rather a malfunction of my system. I can write lists after lists with things that make me ‘happy’ but that doesn’t mean that I really feel that way.

I didn’t ask for any of this but everything is because of me. And I don’t know how to live blaming myself and also motivating myself. Like everything else about me, this is just another paradox.

*Wir sind Helden – Die Träume anderer Leute