I haven’t been this zen in ages. I am almost tempted to say that when I’ll look back on my life this is the period I’ll miss the most: not high school, not university, definitely not the MA, but this: 25, feeling as free as a bird, doing exactly what I want, traveling wherever I want, having just as much money as I need, trying and sometimes succeeding to conquer my anxiety, my depressive moods, my dictatorial gestures…

What I find mind-blowing is that now, right this moment, I don’t have any regrets, none whatsoever.

Let the future come, I’m ready for it.

Home is… home Mum took these two days off so we can spend more time together. We’re making shopping list and cooking lists and I hope I won’t put on weight while I’m here I haven’t met anyone yet (been too busy dying my hair orange, or close to orange, and shopping for a coat – still looking for one) but tomorrow (well, today) is going to be the day. If it doesn’t rain, I’ll consider tomorrow a perfect day.

I’m not a big fan of Easter but it’s cool that I get to see my family and re-bond with them. I’m not very good with keeping in touch – although I miss some of them, I never call – but sometimes I feel the urge to see them, to talk to them. It’s good to know that there are some people that are there for me no matter how rarely we see each other and no matter how different we are.

The blog has had a couple of rough days. I’m not sure exactly what kind of virus or bug it was infected with, but E. assured me that now it is safe. Too bad that I had to give up my other theme I liked it a lot, although it was a biiiit too crowded. This one is just a draft, it’s far too simple for my taste, but better this than nothing, right? E. will work on a new theme for me when he has time and I’m going to nag him to design something more like me.

Well, I’d better go to bed now. I don’t want to be tired tomorrow, the glorious day.

I feel like I can do anything. No matter how ugly things get at work, no matter how much pressure they put on us, I take a deep breath, swear a little and then I do what I have to do at my own pace. I can’t change them, I can’t organise them better, I can just try and not let them get to me.

Climbing helps a lot. The days I go to the gym are the best. I love the way everything else fades away when I’m there. It’s the perfect combination between using your own strength and finding the perfect balance. I am extremely happy when in the end I manage to climb a rout I find difficult. I love the way my body aches after a climbing session, how my coach humours me and how some other climbers push me to try more difficult things and how I exchange books with some of them. I feel great there!

We also bought tickets for the Andrieș concert and there are two book releases that I’m looking forward to. Martha is in Israel for 10 days, A. & D. have settled in Germany, my parents are in love with the dog, and as far as I know everyone else who matters is doing fine. I couldn’t be happier. Really.

81 days left until I board on a plane to Stuttgart! ♥

*Massive Attack – Saturday Come Slow

Being able to work from home has been such a mood elevator! I correct double the pages and I also go shopping, I cook, I enjoy a cup of tea, I take silly pics of Urma… All’s good.

But back home things are not going my way. Yesterday my parents replaced me with a Bichon Maltese. Yep, it has come to that. Now whenever I talk to my parents on the phone (and it’s quite difficult to get them to answer my calls) they are making those silly voices and they are talking more about the dog or with the dog than they are with me. Jokes aside, I am happy for them. My father has someone to share his days with and my mum will learn not to be so stiff about animals. I can hardly wait to see the little bugger, but I’m not cleaning up dog poo from the street!

Last but not least, we have bought the tickets from this summer holiday. I’ll be in Germany from the 21st of June until the 17th of July and we’ll be together in Berlin from the 3rd of June until we have to come back. I’m taking all my days off in one go and I am so excited about traveling through Germany, exchanging trains or trying the Mitfahrgelegenheit and seeing all my friends. A month sounds like a lot but I bet it will simply fly by. I am one lucky girl!

I’m blogging while a nice lady is cleaning the apartment. I should feel guilty for not doing it myself but we’ve come to the conclusion that our free time is more important than having a tidy place. In Baia Mare we’ve had a cleaning lady since I was 13. I’ve always been a bit of a hoarder, clinging to things I didn’t use and not being able to throw them away, so it was good that there was someone who made me give up lots of useless things. I’ve recently opened my desk drawer and it’s so full that I can’t put anything inside anymore. I have to take it out, empty it and throw away everything that I don’t need. I’ll probably open it 50 more times until I’ll manage to clean it. I don’t know why I’m so attached to stupid useless things, why I can’t get rid of them.

I don’t know how long it takes to start climbing as if you know the technique but I’m definitely not there yet. I’m going there for fun and for the exercise and I don’t focus on how to get up, I just do. Sometimes when I’m at the middle of the panel I realise that I don’t know what to do next and I laugh and lose my balance. On the other hand, it feels so good when I reach the top and I’m out of breath and out of strength. I love each and every bruise I get from climbing and every callosity (is this the right term?) on my palms. I think that physical activity is very rewarding but the real challenge is to find an activity that suits you.

Lately it’s all been about me, me, me. Three days a week I go climbing and one evening I go and talk to A., my therapist. And it feels great to have such things to fill my time with. I’m very active and I wouldn’t miss one of those session for anything in the world. I finally realise how important it is to put myself first. I’m really pampering myself and it shows. *And they can’t take that away from me

The only thing that bothers me is that I can’t find the right settings for my camera. I’ve played a bit with the contrast and the white balance and everything and I still haven’t found the perfect combination. The colours are not bright enough and the pics look as if they were taken in the ’70s or something. I don’t have the patience to read miles and miles of articles about how to set your white balance but I think I’ll have to resort to that in the end…

Up until now I’ve had a great time home. Tiring but great. I don’t feel that I’ve missed much by not keeping in touch with many people. Yes, I miss some of my classmates but I’m not as sociable as I used to be, I’m not that open. I hate it when people don’t mix, when there are awkward pauses in the conversation and I feel good only with people I’ve know for years and whom I can rely on. The night I went out with Steve and M. was fantastic from my point of view. We had something to drink, the conversation was great and I felt that we were going to meet for many more years to come. I think one of my resolutions will be to let go of people who don’t mean that much to me and stick to the ones who deserve it. There are things I can get over and there are things that are a deal breaker. And for my peace of mind I’m not going to accept any deal breakers.

Spending time with my extended family was okish except that the kids become tiring the third morning and at one point the grown-ups surrounded me with stupid questions: ‘When are you getting married?’ ‘Why hasn’t he joined you here?’ ‘Are you still with him?’ ‘Do you still have feelings for him?’ etc. etc. etc. I know that they always do that and I know that I can’t stop them (that much I’ve learned by going to therapy) but sometimes I wish I could put them on mute and explain that I never ask them about their personal business and that I hate it when they’re trying to be funny by asking me such idiotic questions but I’m pretty sure that next time they would ask the same questions all over again. So I just took a deep breath, told them I’m not getting married and changed the subject. But it bothers me that they still don’t know me/understand me and that they think that I’ll change my mind and do what’s expected of me.

I can’t believe I’m the oldest one among my cousins and other relatives! That I’m an aunt who brings them presents for Christmas and who has a fancy phone and who got a cool haircut and colours her hair! I remember vividly the times when I looked up to my cousins and now it’s scary that there are others who look up to me. Even tough we are so different we are still bound together by this thing called ‘family’. This concept still puzzles me and 50% of time I want to be as far as possible from it (family) and the other half I’d give anything to be closer… I can only hope that one day I’ll know what I actually want.

*Bon Iver – Blood Bank

This is my third day in Baia Mare and I still can’t sleep properly. I used to love the bed here and whenever I got home I just put my head on the pillow and I was asleep. And now I toss and turn and nothing. Not even the two duvets and the overheated room don’t make things easier for me.

But it’s good to be back home, I have to admit that. I have already met some of my dear friends from here and I still have many more to meet. I haven’t had time for myself but I managed to have my hair cut (yes, A., now you won’t have to see the ugly cut from the back of my head anymore ), buy some winter shoes and spend quality time with Mum. Oh, it’s soooo good to eat cooked food again! I’m sick and tired of falafel and pizza! At the top of my list with resolution I should put ‘cook more’. But who actually keeps track of those silly resolutions? I think they sound nice, they give you the impression that the year that’s just starting is going to be different, better and then you end up doing the same stupid things all over again.

I’m eating tangerines like there’s no tomorrow. I envy that my father has a green thumb. Yeah, their apartment gets more sunlight than ours, but still… They have so many plants and flowers and so few casualties. All the plants that I buy wither either because I water them too much or too less or because they don’t have enough light. I want to bright up the place and I can’t. I such a loser in so many ways…

This snow is such a bitch! When I woke up there was a thin layer of snow everywhere and it was snowing beautifully with big fat flakes and now it’s gone I really can’t picture Christmas without it and the city looks so sad and muddy and ugly. But there are still some days left and I still have hope.

I want to go back to bed and read all day but I don’t know if I have the patience to do that. I’m really mad at myself for not reading as much as I used to. I have to change that but how? Reading is something so personal, so mood-dependent. I can’t force myself to read if I’m not in the right mood and because I have other activities in the evenings I don’t have much time to read. It’s a horrible vicious circle!

*DeYarmond Edison - As long as I can go