Rainbow Child

I’m always in a very bad mood before and right after my birthday and I act like a total bitch. But then I get all these lovely things and for a second, just for a second, it feels good.

Among pretty colourful presents I got a more… technical one. I love my new camera lens but I don’t know how to use it! I’m not going to make a fool of my myself and admit that I manhandled it from the first day but at least I’ve read some reviews and in theory I should be able to use it without a problem.

But until spring arrives and I can go outside with my camera without fearing that I might slip and land on it, here are a couple of pics taken with the Lensbaby Composer.

I’m blogging while a nice lady is cleaning the apartment. I should feel guilty for not doing it myself but we’ve come to the conclusion that our free time is more important than having a tidy place. In Baia Mare we’ve had a cleaning lady since I was 13. I’ve always been a bit of a hoarder, clinging to things I didn’t use and not being able to throw them away, so it was good that there was someone who made me give up lots of useless things. I’ve recently opened my desk drawer and it’s so full that I can’t put anything inside anymore. I have to take it out, empty it and throw away everything that I don’t need. I’ll probably open it 50 more times until I’ll manage to clean it. I don’t know why I’m so attached to stupid useless things, why I can’t get rid of them.

I don’t know how long it takes to start climbing as if you know the technique but I’m definitely not there yet. I’m going there for fun and for the exercise and I don’t focus on how to get up, I just do. Sometimes when I’m at the middle of the panel I realise that I don’t know what to do next and I laugh and lose my balance. On the other hand, it feels so good when I reach the top and I’m out of breath and out of strength. I love each and every bruise I get from climbing and every callosity (is this the right term?) on my palms. I think that physical activity is very rewarding but the real challenge is to find an activity that suits you.

Lately it’s all been about me, me, me. Three days a week I go climbing and one evening I go and talk to A., my therapist. And it feels great to have such things to fill my time with. I’m very active and I wouldn’t miss one of those session for anything in the world. I finally realise how important it is to put myself first. I’m really pampering myself and it shows. *And they can’t take that away from me

The only thing that bothers me is that I can’t find the right settings for my camera. I’ve played a bit with the contrast and the white balance and everything and I still haven’t found the perfect combination. The colours are not bright enough and the pics look as if they were taken in the ’70s or something. I don’t have the patience to read miles and miles of articles about how to set your white balance but I think I’ll have to resort to that in the end…

The best part of Christmas is the second day when my parents go to have fun at their friends’ place and I stay behind and I’m alone for a couple of hours. I spend 2 1/2 days with my family in the countryside and I feel that I’ve said everything there was to say and that we had a lovely Christmas together and now I can reward myself with a bit of me time.

Up until now I’ve had a great time home. Tiring but great. I don’t feel that I’ve missed much by not keeping in touch with many people. Yes, I miss some of my classmates but I’m not as sociable as I used to be, I’m not that open. I hate it when people don’t mix, when there are awkward pauses in the conversation and I feel good only with people I’ve know for years and whom I can rely on. The night I went out with Steve and M. was fantastic from my point of view. We had something to drink, the conversation was great and I felt that we were going to meet for many more years to come. I think one of my resolutions will be to let go of people who don’t mean that much to me and stick to the ones who deserve it. There are things I can get over and there are things that are a deal breaker. And for my peace of mind I’m not going to accept any deal breakers.

Spending time with my extended family was okish except that the kids become tiring the third morning and at one point the grown-ups surrounded me with stupid questions: ‘When are you getting married?’ ‘Why hasn’t he joined you here?’ ‘Are you still with him?’ ‘Do you still have feelings for him?’ etc. etc. etc. I know that they always do that and I know that I can’t stop them (that much I’ve learned by going to therapy) but sometimes I wish I could put them on mute and explain that I never ask them about their personal business and that I hate it when they’re trying to be funny by asking me such idiotic questions but I’m pretty sure that next time they would ask the same questions all over again. So I just took a deep breath, told them I’m not getting married and changed the subject. But it bothers me that they still don’t know me/understand me and that they think that I’ll change my mind and do what’s expected of me.

I can’t believe I’m the oldest one among my cousins and other relatives! That I’m an aunt who brings them presents for Christmas and who has a fancy phone and who got a cool haircut and colours her hair! I remember vividly the times when I looked up to my cousins and now it’s scary that there are others who look up to me. Even tough we are so different we are still bound together by this thing called ‘family’. This concept still puzzles me and 50% of time I want to be as far as possible from it (family) and the other half I’d give anything to be closer… I can only hope that one day I’ll know what I actually want.

*Bon Iver – Blood Bank

I know the saying goes something like ‘third time’s the charm’, but for me it was the second time. The first time we were in Köln we stayed for a couple of hours. Now we had two full days to explore the city and fall in love with it. We arrived last Saturday at around midnight but we had no problem getting from the airport to the Haupbahnof (HBF). Again, DB (Deutsche Bahn) made things incredibly easy for us. I’m sure other countries have a good railroad/metro system but I am totally amazed at how well the DB works. Anways, our first night there was spent walking to the hotel, eating sandwiches and drinking white beer and trying to get as much sleep as possible.

The first day there was fabulous! Our hotel was close to the HBH so we walked there and met Vio and Martha. I am so grateful that they came to see me! I really can’t picture going to Germany and not meeting them. I like it better when we’re a group: more topics to discuss, more ideas, more laughing and more feeling good. So the four of us started the day with a delicious cake and a cappuccino and then we walked around for the rest of the day.

We wandered around Altstadt (the old part of the city) and we were lucky to find the shops open (usually they are closed on Sunday). Every time I go abroad I swear I won’t enter any shops and then I break my promise and end up wasting money on clothes. Well, this time it was different: I bought shoes. And so did Martha and Vio and now we have the same shoes but in different colour

It’s incredible how many shops there are! We walked for a couple of hours and every street we came across was full of shops and cafés. It was absolutely wonderful! Also, I was surprised to discover that although Köln is a big city (more than 1 million people live there), it’s very quiet and relaxed. Like everywhere else in Germany, there were many people on bikes and I thought there were quite a lot of young people as well. Bottom line is that Köln has become one of my favourite cities ever!

As for the Bon Iver concert from that evening… my God, it was fabulous, like nothing I had experienced before! I was expecting something calmer and more peaceful, but they totally rocked! They sounded magnificently out of tune and they made my heart beat faster and faster until I thought I was going to burst with joy and emotion.  I still can’t listen to anything else: on my playlist it’s only Bon Iver over and over again. The concert was totally worth the trip!

Th only sad part was when we had to say goodbye. It’s not fair that people who mean so much to me are so far away and that I see them so rarely. I should spend half the year in Romania and the other half in Germany, maybe then I’d feel like I found my home.

I can’t believe that Gabi, my Gabi, got married! And his was a wedding I couldn’t miss, I didn’t want to miss. We were almost desk mates in high school (meaning we were desk mates when I moved to the back of the class to nag him and Steve) and he’s one of the few people I really care about. We haven’t seen each other that often in the last five years and I was happy to be there with him on his very important day.

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