Among pretty colourful presents I got a more… technical one. I love my new camera lens but I don’t know how to use it! I’m not going to make a fool of my myself and admit that I manhandled it from the first day but at least I’ve read some reviews and in theory I should be able to use it without a problem.

But until spring arrives and I can go outside with my camera without fearing that I might slip and land on it, here are a couple of pics taken with the Lensbaby Composer.

This is my third day in Baia Mare and I still can’t sleep properly. I used to love the bed here and whenever I got home I just put my head on the pillow and I was asleep. And now I toss and turn and nothing. Not even the two duvets and the overheated room don’t make things easier for me.

But it’s good to be back home, I have to admit that. I have already met some of my dear friends from here and I still have many more to meet. I haven’t had time for myself but I managed to have my hair cut (yes, A., now you won’t have to see the ugly cut from the back of my head anymore ), buy some winter shoes and spend quality time with Mum. Oh, it’s soooo good to eat cooked food again! I’m sick and tired of falafel and pizza! At the top of my list with resolution I should put ‘cook more’. But who actually keeps track of those silly resolutions? I think they sound nice, they give you the impression that the year that’s just starting is going to be different, better and then you end up doing the same stupid things all over again.

I’m eating tangerines like there’s no tomorrow. I envy that my father has a green thumb. Yeah, their apartment gets more sunlight than ours, but still… They have so many plants and flowers and so few casualties. All the plants that I buy wither either because I water them too much or too less or because they don’t have enough light. I want to bright up the place and I can’t. I such a loser in so many ways…

This snow is such a bitch! When I woke up there was a thin layer of snow everywhere and it was snowing beautifully with big fat flakes and now it’s gone I really can’t picture Christmas without it and the city looks so sad and muddy and ugly. But there are still some days left and I still have hope.

I want to go back to bed and read all day but I don’t know if I have the patience to do that. I’m really mad at myself for not reading as much as I used to. I have to change that but how? Reading is something so personal, so mood-dependent. I can’t force myself to read if I’m not in the right mood and because I have other activities in the evenings I don’t have much time to read. It’s a horrible vicious circle!

*DeYarmond Edison - As long as I can go

I dont know how you can carry around as much love as I’ve given you – (March 1919)

And so you see, Scott, I’ll never be able to do anything because I’m much too lazy to care whether it’s done or not – and I don’t want to be famous and fêted – all I want is to very young always and very irresponsible and to feel that my life is my own – to live and be happy and die in my own way – to please myself. (Fall 1919)

Was it fun in Paris? Who did you see there and was the Madeleine pink at five o’clock and did the fountains fall with hollow delicacy into the framing of space in the Palace de la Concorde and did the blue creep out from behind the colonades of the rue de Rivoli through the grill of the Tuileries and was the Louvre gray and metallic in the sun and did the trees hang brooding over the cafés and were there lights at night and the click of saucers and the auto horns that play Debussy. I love Paris. How was it? (Summer1930)

Do you still smell of pencils and sometimes of tweed? (Fall 1930)

It’s fun thinking of Christmas and the night you will get home and how you’ll look as you come out the gate. I will be surprised at your mondanity and very amazed that you are concice and powerful and I will be happy that you are so handsome and when I see how handsome you are my stomach will fall with many unpleasant emotions like a cake with too many raisins and I will want to shut you up in a closet like a dress too beautiful to wear. (November 26, 1931)

Dearest – I suppose I will spend the rest of my life torn between the desire to master life and the feeling that it is, au fond, a contemptuous enemy. (Februrary/March 1932)

Happily, happily foreverafterwards – the best we could. (August 1936)

Dearest: I am always grateful for all the royalties you gave me, and I am always loyal to the concepts that held us to-gether so long: the belief that life is tragic, that a mans spiritual reward is the keeping of his faith: that we shouldn’t hurt each other. And I love, always your fine writing, your tolerance and generosity; and all your happy endowments. Nothing could have survived our life. (March 1939)

Dear Scott, Dearest Zela, Bloomsbury, 2003

Also, I am very good at fucking things up. I was so happy that autumn has finally arrived! I was walking down the street with this huge smile on my face and I couldn’t get enough of that cold crisp air promising new adventures and good times. I was bursting with joy! And then today… oh, today it was horrible! After I had finally mustered up my courage to go to my boss and ask for a 2-day leave from work, I had my mind set on buying an autumn coat. It was a complete failure! I had seen some very nice jackets online but they were so different IRL! Disappointingly different… I don’t get it: it’s an autumn jacket, it means it should protect me from the cold. I don’t need a pretty expensive thiiiin coat cause I don’t want to freeze to death! Also, I don’t want to wear my winter jacket from late October to early March cause that would be too depressing. I want something in between! And also, who the fuck wears fur on their collar??? Anyways… I’ll give it one more try tomorrow, otherwise I’ll just wear my very old jackets. Too bad that I don’t know any good second hand shops here and I don’t have time to go to BM and shop there…

17 more days till we’ll be on a plane to Köln! It will be quite a trip getting from the airport to the hotel (we land at midnight) but we’ll manage somehow. After that everything will be more than words can say: the concert, the girls, the city, the wandering around, the pictures… This is going to be my 4th autumn trip abroad. I like this tradition and I should do everything to make it happen year after year. Every trip abroad is more than a breath of fresh air… it’s normality. I need it!!! I want it!!!

Sometimes I feel like I’m on autopilot: get up, go to work, be productive, come home, waste time, go to sleep, start all over again next morning. Most of the time I want to break this ugly ugly routine but almost every day I return home without having taken a picture, without having stopped by Cărturești, without doing anything nice! I am so mad at myself for that… In order to make things better, I’ll go to a book release tomorrow and on Friday I’ll go to the cinema. Bloody small things, how you can’t live without them!

I put the groceries in the fridge and proceeded to wash the blueberries. When I tried one I was shocked to find it had a core. Wtf? I tried another one: didn’t taste like a blueberry and it still had a core! I was getting angrier and angrier. I called Mum, told her about the core, about how they look like blueberries but they’re not, how that woman lied to my face and sold me something else! She laughed and told me that what I had bought are some cheap good for nothing berries. FUCK!

So I grabbed the bag and stormed out of the house. The anger had now reached its peak, I was literally fuming! I got to the lady who sold me the blueberries and we had a surrealistic talk:

- Hello, can you tell me what berries are these?
- Yes, they are ???berries.
- But I specifically asked you if they were blueberries and you said yes.
- You can make jam out of them or liquor!
- That’s not the point! I wanted blueberries and these are not blueberries!
- No, they’re not.
- Then why did you tell me they were blueberries?
- Have you tasted them? They are good! You can make jam out of them or liquor!
- I WANTED BLUEBERRIES!

In the end she agreed to give me back my money and I gave her back her fucking berries. On the way back I calmed a bit but I still can’t get over the fact that people would do anything for money. Or maybe she was just deranged and thought that I just wanted berries, no matter if they were blue or not… And again, I am so pissed that people think they can fool me. They look at me and probably see a teenager and they think that I don’t have anything to say, that my opinions don’t count, that they can fool me and I won’t do anything against it… I should lock myself inside cause I hate what’s going on outside!

I can’t believe that I have three more days here and then I’m off to Baia Mare! These next days will simply fly by and then I’ll have six well-deserved days of doing nothing. Well, not exactly nothing as I have many and great plans. We’re celebrating Mum’s birthday next weekend, I want us (me and Mum) to go out a lot (drink coffee/tea, walk around, shop, just be together as much as possible), I want to take my parents to a fish farm/restaurant (I had the best bread in the world there!) and, of course, I’ll meet all my friends. I am very excited about this holiday.

I have so many things to pack! I haven’t decided if I take the huge suitcase or the normal one and I’m afraid that I’ll forget something at home (I already had a nightmare about that). Right now my couch if full of books, cables, presents and I keep adding things to the pile. But it doesn’t matter – I’ll take everything that I think I’ll want/need ’cause I want this holiday to be perfect!

On other days I am at peace with this city. No, I don’t love it anymore, it’s more like a medicine I know I have to take in order to stay alive but that doesn’t mean that I enjoy taking it. It’s sour and it makes me feel bad but on the long run it keeps me alive.  It’s a necessary evil.

I am so used to second hand clothes and buying new stuff from sales that I think it’s preposterous to pay 10-20-30 lei more for something I really like. If it doesn’t have ‘on sale’ written on it or if it’s not 50-60 lei, I won’t buy it. And I don’t think it’s because I value money, I think it’s because I’m cheap. I don’t even let Mum buy expansivish things for me. I’d like to be more impulsive, to like myself more and thus allow myself more nice things.

When it comes to good food, I think I enjoy both the taste and the people I share it with. Now that I’m a full-time working class hero, I really appreciate the weekend, especially Friday evening. There’s nothing better than to have an unfiltered beer (or two, three), talk about silly things and make plans (which probably won’t come true, but who cares?) for the next two days.

And sometimes unpredictable things happen, like your key breaking in your bike lock and having to leave your bike overnight at the restaurant. I was so relived when we got there today and found our bikes safe and sound! Talking about bikes, I want to sell my new bike. Yup, so soon. I only rode it twice but I don’t feel good on it. It’s very comfy, it’s pretty but I don’t feel good on it. With my old bike it was love at first ride. I know it sounds cheesy, but I was one with it. Even now, when I bike to work every morning I feel so good, it’s what I need, it’s the perfect bike for me. So, if you know anyone who’s interested in buying a bike, maybe you could tell them about my bike.

It’s the second time this summer we’ve been to the park and I don’t want to make promises that I can’t keep, but I’d love to be less lazy and less moody and go there more often. It’s so quiet and nice and green! I read and we played badminton and ate junk food and it was one of the most relaxing afternoons in a very long time.

Also 11 more days till I’m going home! I can hardly wait!

My life is a big ‘I don’t know’. I’ve always been moody and indecisive but I feel that I’m losing control. Nothing is good enough for me, nothing makes me happy, nothing motivates me. Shit. Shit. Shit. I’m not depressed, I’m just dissatisfied, with a pinch of unhappiness. And talking with my older and wiser friends doesn’t really help cause they’re going through the same thing and they can’t do anything against it. And no, I can’t just let it go, move on, stop complaining, just do it, whatever, cause it’s not a mood, it’s a way of being and you can’t just shake it off.

At least I read a lot. I feel good every time I finish a book and start another one. I feel like I accomplish something. If so, it’s the only thing I accomplish. Well, OK, I’ve started doing some cardio exercises and contrary to what I had thought about these things, I enjoy doing them. Now I’ll be even fitter to do nothing.

*MIA – Hungriges Herz