Rainbow Child

This time I’m doing it the right way: not mentally, but physically. I haven’t exercised since I was in high school and even then I wasn’t very keen on going to sports but I don’t know what happened and I don’t know what hit me but I signed up for climbing classes. I’ve already been there 3 times and I love it! I don’t want to climb rocks, I just like the idea of being Spiderwoman and I think the exercise is great!

The only problem is my laziness and the fact that I don’t know anyone there. I talked to some people and we helped each other but it’s still not the same as going there with a friend or with someone you know. I’ve realised that I hate being alone, apart, outside. The people there all know one another, they all help each other out, they’re like one big family. I don’t want to make new friends, I just want to feel less awkward. But I should probably give it more time.

These last weeks all I did was work, work, work and then work some more. Honestly, I’m sick and tired of it, I need a long holiday, which I intent to have for Christmas. I’m less depressed and sad, now I’m simply overworked. I always feel tired in the morning, I hate going to work everyday and I hate the fact that everything is urgent, that everybody wants everything NOW!

But like A., my therapist, said, I am very good at spotting the bad parts. I have to focus my attention on the good ones, so here’s a list with good things which I’m looking forward to:

• going climbing
• snow
• going to Baia Mare
• Christmas
• editing another book
• going to the Radiohead concert in Berlin next July!!!
• writing my dissertation (should be fun)
• my Tuesday therapy sessions
• going to Sibiu at the end of the year (who’s coming out for a beer with us except Béranger and Yuki?)
• meeting friends I haven’t seen in more than a year!
• giving presents

*Radiohead – Climbing up the walls

I am still amazed how I can go from being happy to being depressed in 2 minutes. How I let every fucking single detail ruin my day. I am over sensitive and I’d like to feel nothing for a change. I’d like to be immune to external stimuli…

Also, I am very good at fucking things up. I was so happy that autumn has finally arrived! I was walking down the street with this huge smile on my face and I couldn’t get enough of that cold crisp air promising new adventures and good times. I was bursting with joy! And then today… oh, today it was horrible! After I had finally mustered up my courage to go to my boss and ask for a 2-day leave from work, I had my mind set on buying an autumn coat. It was a complete failure! I had seen some very nice jackets online but they were so different IRL! Disappointingly different… I don’t get it: it’s an autumn jacket, it means it should protect me from the cold. I don’t need a pretty expensive thiiiin coat cause I don’t want to freeze to death! Also, I don’t want to wear my winter jacket from late October to early March cause that would be too depressing. I want something in between! And also, who the fuck wears fur on their collar??? Anyways… I’ll give it one more try tomorrow, otherwise I’ll just wear my very old jackets. Too bad that I don’t know any good second hand shops here and I don’t have time to go to BM and shop there…

17 more days till we’ll be on a plane to Köln! It will be quite a trip getting from the airport to the hotel (we land at midnight) but we’ll manage somehow. After that everything will be more than words can say: the concert, the girls, the city, the wandering around, the pictures… This is going to be my 4th autumn trip abroad. I like this tradition and I should do everything to make it happen year after year. Every trip abroad is more than a breath of fresh air… it’s normality. I need it!!! I want it!!!

Sometimes I feel like I’m on autopilot: get up, go to work, be productive, come home, waste time, go to sleep, start all over again next morning. Most of the time I want to break this ugly ugly routine but almost every day I return home without having taken a picture, without having stopped by Cărturești, without doing anything nice! I am so mad at myself for that… In order to make things better, I’ll go to a book release tomorrow and on Friday I’ll go to the cinema. Bloody small things, how you can’t live without them!

Tuesday from 6 to 7 is my special time. I get to talk about whatever I want, I can cry as much as I want and I get to find out so many things about myself, things I knew but didn’t pay attention to, things I thought would always be there but are not anymore, new things that I learn about… It’s liberating and it also helps me to understand myself better. I should have done this a long time ago…

For example, I’ve realised that I need my life to be structured, organised to the point where I need to control everything: time, feelings, thoughts. I don’t like changes of plans, things that are not according to the schedule I’ve set, and I don’t like to rely on people – because I can’t control them. I get upset, angry, sometimes panicky if things don’t turn out as I want them to. No, I haven’t learned how to manage this… need, I’m just fascinated with how clear everything seems once I talk about it, acknowledge it and accept it.

I’m thinking of making a schedule for each evening: cooking, going out, blogging, watching a movie, photowalking etc. I should try to benefit from this need: control my life, organise it, give it the shape I want. I don’t know if that would make me happier, but I can give it a try, can’t I?

*Kate Nash – Navy Taxi

I have a theory: in order for all the working people out there to stay sane and not lose it during all those years of working from 9 to 5, a three-day weekend should replace the inefficient two-day one we have. Hear me out: Friday evening is for going out, having a nice dinner, drinking a couple of beers with friends or staying at home and watching a relaxing movie. Saturday is for shopping, cleaning, cooking, all those chores we hate but we have to do. Sunday is for going out again, photowalking, going to a concert, whatever. And Monday (yes, the day we all hate) is for ourselves: sleeping in, reading in bed, cooking a delicious breakfast, uploading your blogs, doing whatever you feel like it. So who’s with me on this one?

(more…)

Oh my, oh my, how times flies when you’re doing nothing!

I want to smash the phone when the alarm rings every morning at 7.
I want to sue the heating company for providing water that’s colder than my body temperature instead of hot water.
I want to attack with my book the people who get too close to me on the tube.
I want my skirts and dresses not to go up when I bike.

I want this weather to bloody decide already if it wants to be summer or autumn so I can dress accordingly.
I want rain boots not to be so expensive, it’s just plastic anyway!
I want to be able to save money.
I want to be able to speak German. And to learn Spanish.
I want to actually do something (with my life). (But I don’t know what.)

Inertia, baby, it’s all about inertia!