Rainbow Child

These last two weeks have been horrible. I am overworked, overstressed, overunhappy. I though I could break free from the prison called work and do it on my own as a freelancer but all my dreams and hopes were shattered. I had one nervous breakdown after another. My problem is that I’m gullible and naive and it’s so easy to give me false hope and then when it turns out that well, I have to stay put ’cause you changed your mind about working with me as a freelancer all the things I had imagined, every bright day I had pictured came tumbling down and it sucked. Big time. Now I have to pull myself together and think if I want to go to work with tears in my eyes every morning knowing that nothing will improve there for my point of view or if I want to risk and still try to make it on my own. It’s such a hard decision as long as I don’t have anything real that I can hold on to… I still have a couple of days to think about it and I’ll do that.

This is my third day in Baia Mare and I still can’t sleep properly. I used to love the bed here and whenever I got home I just put my head on the pillow and I was asleep. And now I toss and turn and nothing. Not even the two duvets and the overheated room don’t make things easier for me.

But it’s good to be back home, I have to admit that. I have already met some of my dear friends from here and I still have many more to meet. I haven’t had time for myself but I managed to have my hair cut (yes, A., now you won’t have to see the ugly cut from the back of my head anymore ), buy some winter shoes and spend quality time with Mum. Oh, it’s soooo good to eat cooked food again! I’m sick and tired of falafel and pizza! At the top of my list with resolution I should put ‘cook more’. But who actually keeps track of those silly resolutions? I think they sound nice, they give you the impression that the year that’s just starting is going to be different, better and then you end up doing the same stupid things all over again.

I’m eating tangerines like there’s no tomorrow. I envy that my father has a green thumb. Yeah, their apartment gets more sunlight than ours, but still… They have so many plants and flowers and so few casualties. All the plants that I buy wither either because I water them too much or too less or because they don’t have enough light. I want to bright up the place and I can’t. I such a loser in so many ways…

This snow is such a bitch! When I woke up there was a thin layer of snow everywhere and it was snowing beautifully with big fat flakes and now it’s gone I really can’t picture Christmas without it and the city looks so sad and muddy and ugly. But there are still some days left and I still have hope.

I want to go back to bed and read all day but I don’t know if I have the patience to do that. I’m really mad at myself for not reading as much as I used to. I have to change that but how? Reading is something so personal, so mood-dependent. I can’t force myself to read if I’m not in the right mood and because I have other activities in the evenings I don’t have much time to read. It’s a horrible vicious circle!

*DeYarmond Edison - As long as I can go

We might have come back from Germany, but I’m still thinking a lot about it: the way I felt there, Martha and Vio, the beautiful buildings, the Entschuldingung-s I’ve heard everywhere… Man, I’d move there without ever looking back!

The book fair is just around the corner and there’s so much work to do! We’re all so tired and I’m daydreaming about Christmas and going home and, like always, doing nothing! My far-away friends will also come this Christmas back home and I can hardly wait to spend hours talking and drinking tea with them. And I’m already thinking about Christmas presents and I have some ideas but not enough and I don’t know if I have enough money for all I want to give. Well, I can be generous at least once a year!

Since I’ve been working with books I’ve started to lose respect for their physical appearance. Not that ugly cover designs don’t make me shudder, but I’m more negligent with their pages: I don’t mind treating books like objects and not like gods. And I read so much at work and then I read some more when I get back home but I don’t want to stop, I just want to go back to read for my own pleasure and venerating books. I used to think that the coolest job ever would be to read books and get paid for that, now I’m having second doubts…

There are some days that start crappy and end even crappier. Work was OK, the exam was more than OK but from there on everything went downhill. We met L. and G., my cousins who were in Bucharest on business, and we showed them around the city. My cousin said that she wanted to experiment with food so we went to a Lebanese restaurant. That was such a biiiiig mistake! We ordered something from the menu which didn’t have the word ‘meat’ in the description but it turned out to be a meat dish! And my cousins didn’t like their food at all. It was one huge disappointment. I thought we were going to have a great time, but instead we left the place hungry and pissed.

We took them back to their hotel and then we met Laura and Lucian. At least nothing bad happened while we were having beer. I’d missed our Friday nights out and it was nice to see them again. We always laugh so much when we go out. Although, I have to admit, it’s a bit scary to be ‘that couple’ that goes out with another couple

Anyways, the night ended not on a very happy note. When we got back home I realised that my phone had fallen from my pocket in the taxi. We called the taxi company but of course that no one admitted to having driven us home. I thought that was so lame. Come on, it was an old phone, why didn’t he want to give it back? And he didn’t use the SIM card cause the phone was turned off when we called. I’m even more pissed that we tipped the guy! We’re not going with that company anymore, that’s for sure.

Now I need to find a way to get my old number back. And, of course, I need a new phone. But my priority is a new bike, so the phone can wait (we have a very old one lying around so I’ll probably use that one). I also need to find a way to save some money cause I can be very careless at times. Thank God that I don’t have responsibilities

• I am good for nothing. I can’t do anything properly
• biking through the park is awesome but now I don’t have time to take pictures
• wtf is up with this weather??? Hello, it’s April, I want sun and +20 degrees, now!
• I have to rearrange my wardrobe and that thought scares the hell out of me
• I have only one speed when it comes to reading and speaking: very fast
• I’ve read so many books in English recently that I long for one written/translated into Romanian
• I can’t believe I’m living with someone who doesn’t have principles…
• from all the things I miss, taking pictures and buying clothes are on top of my list
• I’m buying a bike at the end of the month. A new one this time
• I’m still hooked on Andrieș
• I want to go to Baia Mare and meet my friends and let my parents spoil me
• I not very keen on buying books anymore
• I still haven’t figured out what I want to do with my life and probably never will
• why can’t things be clear and simple? WHY?
• sometimes is so hard being a kid

*Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds – More News from Nowhere

It seems that this blog has become a weekend blog. Most of the time there’s nothing worth telling and I don’t want to write about how tired I feel (yes, I am the King and Queen of Whining). I don’t cook anymore, I don’t spend quality time with him, I don’t play with uRMa, I don’t have time to write my final paper. Also, I’m only attending the MA classes just because I am obliged to. I hate doing things that I don’t want to do and now I hate my classes because I have to attend them. This is so stupid.

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