Rainbow Child

I am incapable of being content. Not happy – content. Since I can remember I have always wanted to be someone else. Not to have what someone has, but to be them. No matter how many things I buy, how many cities I visit, how many books I read, how many boyfriends I have, I’m still dissatisfied, disappointed, unhappy. And it’s all my fault. Actually, I don’t know if I call it ‘fault’. It’s rather a malfunction of my system. I can write lists after lists with things that make me ‘happy’ but that doesn’t mean that I really feel that way.

I didn’t ask for any of this but everything is because of me. And I don’t know how to live blaming myself and also motivating myself. Like everything else about me, this is just another paradox.

*Wir sind Helden – Die Träume anderer Leute

Oh my, oh my, how times flies when you’re doing nothing!

I want to smash the phone when the alarm rings every morning at 7.
I want to sue the heating company for providing water that’s colder than my body temperature instead of hot water.
I want to attack with my book the people who get too close to me on the tube.
I want my skirts and dresses not to go up when I bike.

I want this weather to bloody decide already if it wants to be summer or autumn so I can dress accordingly.
I want rain boots not to be so expensive, it’s just plastic anyway!
I want to be able to save money.
I want to be able to speak German. And to learn Spanish.
I want to actually do something (with my life). (But I don’t know what.)

Inertia, baby, it’s all about inertia!

I am spoiled. And lazy. And immature. I know, I know, everyone knows that, no need to emphasise it. But I am not doing that, I am simply stating the obvious. I like being me, I don’t want to change, I know that on some deep level I will never change. All I can do is to try and make my life better according to my personality.

I’ve thought and thought and I’ve reached a couple of conclusions: a 9 to 5 job is not for me. Sure, I don’t mind it now and maybe I won’t mind it in three years’ time but at one point I’ll hate it. I need flexible hours, time for myself, for my daydreams and books. I’d rather have a part-time job and be a part-time housewife than work full-time.

Another conclusion is that no one is more important than me. I’ve known this all along but it feels good admitting it out loud. Everything will always be about ME. This means that I’ll forever do what I want for as long as I want it.

And the third conclusion is that I am afraid of getting old in Bucharest. It’s not a pleasant city and with each day that passes I get a tiny bit closer to insanity. The city, this city!, is driving me mad!

So taking everything into consideration I’ve decided to let life take it’s normal course till I’m 30 and if nothing happens (have the same job, live in the same apartment, have the same slightly boring life) I’ll move back home. Uhum, in the city where nothing happens. At least I can try to open my own bookshop and see how things go. Or I can have some insignificant job and read all day. I’ll live with my parents of course and I’ll cook with my dad and have coffee with Mum (tea for me). I doesn’t sound bad at all. Plus, that way I’ll make sure I’ll be a kid for ever and ever and ever

I think I need a shrink…

I have finished all my projects for uni. I still have 2 exams and 2 translations to go, but still, I have finished all the other things. Now I have the impression that I’m on holiday and I don’t have to do anything productive. So I sleep in, ignore the pages that I have to translate for my final paper, and I’m not in the mood for anything.

Well, actually, I’m very moody. Yeap, that’s the word: moody. And Andrieș is not helping me at all. I can’t believe I’m not sick and tired of listening to his songs. This is something new. But damn, his lyrics are great. And the music is simply wonderful. Every morning I’m in the mood for one of his songs and then I just go on listening to them for hours, though they are mildly depressing (if you know what lyrics to look for).

I like reading in German. I really do. Now that I don’t ‘have to’ learn it, I’m rediscovering this language through literature. Actually, I’m daydreaming that at one point in my life I’ll live for a couple of months in Germany and then I’ll be able to speak German. Yey! Until then all I can do is read and talk to myself in German (but that’s not fun).

He decided he wanted to drink coffee at home as well and I let him buy a coffee maker but now the whole kitchen smells of coffee! I mean, yeah, the smell is the only thing I like about coffee, but it’s so strange to have it in my (our) kitchen. I bought another tea today, just to feel like I still have the upper hand.

I’ll probably just go on being moody until spring. Or maybe I’ll hibernate and wake up when the sun is shining, the trees are blooming and everything is in its right place.

I’m still not used to being content. It’s not that I’m not happy being like this, it’s just strange. After all those years of bitching and feeling more or less miserable, now my days are peaceful. Of course there are still many things left for me to bitch about, but I don’t feel like it. At least, I don’t feel like doing it here.

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