Rainbow Child

I am still amazed how I can go from being happy to being depressed in 2 minutes. How I let every fucking single detail ruin my day. I am over sensitive and I’d like to feel nothing for a change. I’d like to be immune to external stimuli…

Also, I am very good at fucking things up. I was so happy that autumn has finally arrived! I was walking down the street with this huge smile on my face and I couldn’t get enough of that cold crisp air promising new adventures and good times. I was bursting with joy! And then today… oh, today it was horrible! After I had finally mustered up my courage to go to my boss and ask for a 2-day leave from work, I had my mind set on buying an autumn coat. It was a complete failure! I had seen some very nice jackets online but they were so different IRL! Disappointingly different… I don’t get it: it’s an autumn jacket, it means it should protect me from the cold. I don’t need a pretty expensive thiiiin coat cause I don’t want to freeze to death! Also, I don’t want to wear my winter jacket from late October to early March cause that would be too depressing. I want something in between! And also, who the fuck wears fur on their collar??? Anyways… I’ll give it one more try tomorrow, otherwise I’ll just wear my very old jackets. Too bad that I don’t know any good second hand shops here and I don’t have time to go to BM and shop there…

17 more days till we’ll be on a plane to Köln! It will be quite a trip getting from the airport to the hotel (we land at midnight) but we’ll manage somehow. After that everything will be more than words can say: the concert, the girls, the city, the wandering around, the pictures… This is going to be my 4th autumn trip abroad. I like this tradition and I should do everything to make it happen year after year. Every trip abroad is more than a breath of fresh air… it’s normality. I need it!!! I want it!!!

Sometimes I feel like I’m on autopilot: get up, go to work, be productive, come home, waste time, go to sleep, start all over again next morning. Most of the time I want to break this ugly ugly routine but almost every day I return home without having taken a picture, without having stopped by Cărturești, without doing anything nice! I am so mad at myself for that… In order to make things better, I’ll go to a book release tomorrow and on Friday I’ll go to the cinema. Bloody small things, how you can’t live without them!

Sometimes I have this urge to leave it all behind and start anew, to take the first train home and to be the girl my mother never had. I’ve always done only want I wanted, I never listened, I was so sure that my way was the good way. And now I’m almost grown up and I’m… mildly content with my life. I know, what can a spoiled brat like me possibly want more? Don’t I already have everything? Yes and no. I have a place I can call my own, I have food in the fridge and tons of clothes, I have hip film cameras and half a dozen of Converse shoes. I can satisfy almost every material whim. But does that make me happy? Of course not.

Most of the time characters in books start out as average people but their desires and ideas make them stick out, make them live the adventure of their lives. I am a fiction addict because that’s the only way I can live extraordinary things. I am too coward and lazy to do something that matters in real life so I rely on characters to supply me with the adrenalin and happiness I crave for.

I’m trying to picture how my life will look like in 5, 10 years’ time and I can’t see anything. I don’t know what I want to do, where I want to be, how I want to live, I don’t know anything except that I need to figure out what I want to do and just go and do it because no matter how many books I read, I still won’t be satisfied with my life.

*Klaxons – Atlantis to Interzone

Tuesday from 6 to 7 is my special time. I get to talk about whatever I want, I can cry as much as I want and I get to find out so many things about myself, things I knew but didn’t pay attention to, things I thought would always be there but are not anymore, new things that I learn about… It’s liberating and it also helps me to understand myself better. I should have done this a long time ago…

For example, I’ve realised that I need my life to be structured, organised to the point where I need to control everything: time, feelings, thoughts. I don’t like changes of plans, things that are not according to the schedule I’ve set, and I don’t like to rely on people – because I can’t control them. I get upset, angry, sometimes panicky if things don’t turn out as I want them to. No, I haven’t learned how to manage this… need, I’m just fascinated with how clear everything seems once I talk about it, acknowledge it and accept it.

I’m thinking of making a schedule for each evening: cooking, going out, blogging, watching a movie, photowalking etc. I should try to benefit from this need: control my life, organise it, give it the shape I want. I don’t know if that would make me happier, but I can give it a try, can’t I?

*Kate Nash – Navy Taxi

My mum is right. Sometimes (most of the times) I behave like I am savage, as if I were raised in the woods. I’m not socially handicapped or anything, I simply don’t like to make a big fuss out of interacting with others. I got used to the idea that people come and go and I don’t lift a finger to make people come and then I just sit doing nothing while people go.

I don’t think I am a loner, I think I just don’t know how to hold on to people. And why should I? I mean everyone is free to come and leave how they please, why should you hold on to them? You get to tell people so much about yourself and then you never see them again so what’s the point of going through that phase anyway? I went from going out with many people to being all by myself and it wasn’t that pleasant. Now I’m mostly by myself and it’s fine. Acquaintances are nice, friends I’m skeptical about.

Oh my, oh my, how times flies when you’re doing nothing!

I want to smash the phone when the alarm rings every morning at 7.
I want to sue the heating company for providing water that’s colder than my body temperature instead of hot water.
I want to attack with my book the people who get too close to me on the tube.
I want my skirts and dresses not to go up when I bike.

I want this weather to bloody decide already if it wants to be summer or autumn so I can dress accordingly.
I want rain boots not to be so expensive, it’s just plastic anyway!
I want to be able to save money.
I want to be able to speak German. And to learn Spanish.
I want to actually do something (with my life). (But I don’t know what.)

Inertia, baby, it’s all about inertia!