Rainbow Child

All my fears and insecurities come to life during nighttime. In my dreams, the ones close to me always hurt me: they let me wait for them in the rain without ever showing up, they run from me, they don’t want to talk to me, they cheat on me. People with whom I haven’t talked in years and people I don’t give a shit about anymore are always very nice to me: we talk for hours, we visit places, we’re inseparable. And when I dream about my parents I dream about them rejecting me. And uRMa always gets hurt. Always.

I don’t know if I want to find out the cause of these horrible nightmares but I think it would be interesting to read some studies about what’s going on in our mind when we’re sleeping. Until then I’ll be, again, terrified of going to sleep at night.

I have to admit I envy those girls who feel so good being themselves that they post almost a pic/day with what they’re wearing, tons of pictures with them at parties, meeting with friends etc, and a couple of other pictures with their hairstyles from over the week.

I also envy those people who make their work seem all fun and games and don’t show you the hard part of working. They go for coffees and take long photowalks, they meet their friends at their studios, finish their project in time and still have time to cook and enjoy some quality time with their significant others.

And I so envy the people who know how to make the best of their days, the ones that really care about each and every small thing in their life. It’s fantastic to be grateful for the things you have. Of course, I can’t do that cause I’m overwhelmed by the thoughts of the things I don’t have. You might think I got used to it by now, but of course I haven’t! I’m just a whiner, that’s what I am.

On her last day here we went out for a picnic. We went to the Tineretului Park and found ourselves a nice place, ‘far from the madding crowd’. We had so much stuff to eat and drink: pancakes, pretzels, Haribo, yogurt, white beer We wanted to have a special day, a day to remember. We didn’t talk much: on one hand, we couldn’t believe she was actually leaving – not for a day, for a week, but for good (visiting doesn’t count); on the other hand, we knew that was our last day together, here and we had said everything there was to be said.

So we just enjoyed the sun and smiled from time to time. We weren’t the happiest party out there, yeah, I know, but sometimes not everything is fine and dandy. Now I miss her so so much. I hate it when people have to leave. It’s so unfair

I hate making plans. I daydream, but I hate plans. Why make them when you can’t control what’s going to happen? I want to believe that my phobia of making plans is something rational, but I have a hunch it’s plain pessimistic. I’m a person who is always changing her mind, who is influenced by the weather, who now says a thing and 2h later is doing the exact opposite. So how can I make plans under these circumstances?

Yet, here I am, flying to Paris this Tuesday . Actually, we’re flying there together. Please, don’t start with “awww, that’s so romantic” cause I’ll just delete the comments. First time he asked me I had a panic attack. Fuck, we were at the beginning of whatever-this-is and he asked me if I wanted to go to Paris with him. I told him I can’t make plans, that this can always end and then what? Well, it hasn’t ended and now we’re going.

The scary part is that I’m so looking forward to being there! 3 full days of wandering around the city, having no idea where we’re going or where we are: that’s my idea of visiting a city. I don’t care about the weather (it’s going to be c-c-c-cold, but we’ll manage), I don’t care about the rain (it’s going to rain on one of those days, but we’ll buy umbrellas), I don’t care about money (supermarket food ftw!), I just want to walk until I’m dead tired, take pictures until my finger hurts from pushing the button, and laugh until my tummy hurts.

And maybe by the time we’re back the weather will have improved cause I’m sick and tired of staying indoors.

Truth is we’re all so fucked-up.