I didn’t ask for any of this but everything is because of me. And I don’t know how to live blaming myself and also motivating myself. Like everything else about me, this is just another paradox.

*Wir sind Helden – Die Träume anderer Leute

There are two things I love about Sibiu: the buildings from the city center and the food. I could go there and eat all day and just walk around the same beautiful streets all day long. It’s such a pity that Bucharest doesn’t have such a pedestrian area. Lipscani is so small and so… small. You go up on one street, come down on another one and that’s that. (But I do appreciate all the pubs there! )

Now I’m back in Bucharest and I’m miserable cause I have to do go to work. It’s absolutely horrible to do something which you don’t like, to be forced to do it. It’s not that I don’t like my actual work – I like it, I really do! – but OMG how difficult it is for me to have a schedule, to spend 8h on a chair, to go there every bloody day. On the other hand, it’d be depressed if I just stayed at home and did nothing and had no money. A part-time job would fit me like a glove but they don’t grow on trees and I get no answers to the CVs I send. I have to stop complaining, look harder for a new job and get the hell out of there!

Up until now I’ve had a great time home. Tiring but great. I don’t feel that I’ve missed much by not keeping in touch with many people. Yes, I miss some of my classmates but I’m not as sociable as I used to be, I’m not that open. I hate it when people don’t mix, when there are awkward pauses in the conversation and I feel good only with people I’ve know for years and whom I can rely on. The night I went out with Steve and M. was fantastic from my point of view. We had something to drink, the conversation was great and I felt that we were going to meet for many more years to come. I think one of my resolutions will be to let go of people who don’t mean that much to me and stick to the ones who deserve it. There are things I can get over and there are things that are a deal breaker. And for my peace of mind I’m not going to accept any deal breakers.

Spending time with my extended family was okish except that the kids become tiring the third morning and at one point the grown-ups surrounded me with stupid questions: ‘When are you getting married?’ ‘Why hasn’t he joined you here?’ ‘Are you still with him?’ ‘Do you still have feelings for him?’ etc. etc. etc. I know that they always do that and I know that I can’t stop them (that much I’ve learned by going to therapy) but sometimes I wish I could put them on mute and explain that I never ask them about their personal business and that I hate it when they’re trying to be funny by asking me such idiotic questions but I’m pretty sure that next time they would ask the same questions all over again. So I just took a deep breath, told them I’m not getting married and changed the subject. But it bothers me that they still don’t know me/understand me and that they think that I’ll change my mind and do what’s expected of me.

I can’t believe I’m the oldest one among my cousins and other relatives! That I’m an aunt who brings them presents for Christmas and who has a fancy phone and who got a cool haircut and colours her hair! I remember vividly the times when I looked up to my cousins and now it’s scary that there are others who look up to me. Even tough we are so different we are still bound together by this thing called ‘family’. This concept still puzzles me and 50% of time I want to be as far as possible from it (family) and the other half I’d give anything to be closer… I can only hope that one day I’ll know what I actually want.

*Bon Iver – Blood Bank

This is my third day in Baia Mare and I still can’t sleep properly. I used to love the bed here and whenever I got home I just put my head on the pillow and I was asleep. And now I toss and turn and nothing. Not even the two duvets and the overheated room don’t make things easier for me.

But it’s good to be back home, I have to admit that. I have already met some of my dear friends from here and I still have many more to meet. I haven’t had time for myself but I managed to have my hair cut (yes, A., now you won’t have to see the ugly cut from the back of my head anymore ), buy some winter shoes and spend quality time with Mum. Oh, it’s soooo good to eat cooked food again! I’m sick and tired of falafel and pizza! At the top of my list with resolution I should put ‘cook more’. But who actually keeps track of those silly resolutions? I think they sound nice, they give you the impression that the year that’s just starting is going to be different, better and then you end up doing the same stupid things all over again.

I’m eating tangerines like there’s no tomorrow. I envy that my father has a green thumb. Yeah, their apartment gets more sunlight than ours, but still… They have so many plants and flowers and so few casualties. All the plants that I buy wither either because I water them too much or too less or because they don’t have enough light. I want to bright up the place and I can’t. I such a loser in so many ways…

This snow is such a bitch! When I woke up there was a thin layer of snow everywhere and it was snowing beautifully with big fat flakes and now it’s gone I really can’t picture Christmas without it and the city looks so sad and muddy and ugly. But there are still some days left and I still have hope.

I want to go back to bed and read all day but I don’t know if I have the patience to do that. I’m really mad at myself for not reading as much as I used to. I have to change that but how? Reading is something so personal, so mood-dependent. I can’t force myself to read if I’m not in the right mood and because I have other activities in the evenings I don’t have much time to read. It’s a horrible vicious circle!

*DeYarmond Edison - As long as I can go

The book fair is just around the corner and there’s so much work to do! We’re all so tired and I’m daydreaming about Christmas and going home and, like always, doing nothing! My far-away friends will also come this Christmas back home and I can hardly wait to spend hours talking and drinking tea with them. And I’m already thinking about Christmas presents and I have some ideas but not enough and I don’t know if I have enough money for all I want to give. Well, I can be generous at least once a year!

Since I’ve been working with books I’ve started to lose respect for their physical appearance. Not that ugly cover designs don’t make me shudder, but I’m more negligent with their pages: I don’t mind treating books like objects and not like gods. And I read so much at work and then I read some more when I get back home but I don’t want to stop, I just want to go back to read for my own pleasure and venerating books. I used to think that the coolest job ever would be to read books and get paid for that, now I’m having second doubts…

Also, I am very good at fucking things up. I was so happy that autumn has finally arrived! I was walking down the street with this huge smile on my face and I couldn’t get enough of that cold crisp air promising new adventures and good times. I was bursting with joy! And then today… oh, today it was horrible! After I had finally mustered up my courage to go to my boss and ask for a 2-day leave from work, I had my mind set on buying an autumn coat. It was a complete failure! I had seen some very nice jackets online but they were so different IRL! Disappointingly different… I don’t get it: it’s an autumn jacket, it means it should protect me from the cold. I don’t need a pretty expensive thiiiin coat cause I don’t want to freeze to death! Also, I don’t want to wear my winter jacket from late October to early March cause that would be too depressing. I want something in between! And also, who the fuck wears fur on their collar??? Anyways… I’ll give it one more try tomorrow, otherwise I’ll just wear my very old jackets. Too bad that I don’t know any good second hand shops here and I don’t have time to go to BM and shop there…

17 more days till we’ll be on a plane to Köln! It will be quite a trip getting from the airport to the hotel (we land at midnight) but we’ll manage somehow. After that everything will be more than words can say: the concert, the girls, the city, the wandering around, the pictures… This is going to be my 4th autumn trip abroad. I like this tradition and I should do everything to make it happen year after year. Every trip abroad is more than a breath of fresh air… it’s normality. I need it!!! I want it!!!

Sometimes I feel like I’m on autopilot: get up, go to work, be productive, come home, waste time, go to sleep, start all over again next morning. Most of the time I want to break this ugly ugly routine but almost every day I return home without having taken a picture, without having stopped by Cărturești, without doing anything nice! I am so mad at myself for that… In order to make things better, I’ll go to a book release tomorrow and on Friday I’ll go to the cinema. Bloody small things, how you can’t live without them!

I put the groceries in the fridge and proceeded to wash the blueberries. When I tried one I was shocked to find it had a core. Wtf? I tried another one: didn’t taste like a blueberry and it still had a core! I was getting angrier and angrier. I called Mum, told her about the core, about how they look like blueberries but they’re not, how that woman lied to my face and sold me something else! She laughed and told me that what I had bought are some cheap good for nothing berries. FUCK!

So I grabbed the bag and stormed out of the house. The anger had now reached its peak, I was literally fuming! I got to the lady who sold me the blueberries and we had a surrealistic talk:

- Hello, can you tell me what berries are these?
- Yes, they are ???berries.
- But I specifically asked you if they were blueberries and you said yes.
- You can make jam out of them or liquor!
- That’s not the point! I wanted blueberries and these are not blueberries!
- No, they’re not.
- Then why did you tell me they were blueberries?
- Have you tasted them? They are good! You can make jam out of them or liquor!
- I WANTED BLUEBERRIES!

In the end she agreed to give me back my money and I gave her back her fucking berries. On the way back I calmed a bit but I still can’t get over the fact that people would do anything for money. Or maybe she was just deranged and thought that I just wanted berries, no matter if they were blue or not… And again, I am so pissed that people think they can fool me. They look at me and probably see a teenager and they think that I don’t have anything to say, that my opinions don’t count, that they can fool me and I won’t do anything against it… I should lock myself inside cause I hate what’s going on outside!