I put the groceries in the fridge and proceeded to wash the blueberries. When I tried one I was shocked to find it had a core. Wtf? I tried another one: didn’t taste like a blueberry and it still had a core! I was getting angrier and angrier. I called Mum, told her about the core, about how they look like blueberries but they’re not, how that woman lied to my face and sold me something else! She laughed and told me that what I had bought are some cheap good for nothing berries. FUCK!

So I grabbed the bag and stormed out of the house. The anger had now reached its peak, I was literally fuming! I got to the lady who sold me the blueberries and we had a surrealistic talk:

- Hello, can you tell me what berries are these?
- Yes, they are ???berries.
- But I specifically asked you if they were blueberries and you said yes.
- You can make jam out of them or liquor!
- That’s not the point! I wanted blueberries and these are not blueberries!
- No, they’re not.
- Then why did you tell me they were blueberries?
- Have you tasted them? They are good! You can make jam out of them or liquor!
- I WANTED BLUEBERRIES!

In the end she agreed to give me back my money and I gave her back her fucking berries. On the way back I calmed a bit but I still can’t get over the fact that people would do anything for money. Or maybe she was just deranged and thought that I just wanted berries, no matter if they were blue or not… And again, I am so pissed that people think they can fool me. They look at me and probably see a teenager and they think that I don’t have anything to say, that my opinions don’t count, that they can fool me and I won’t do anything against it… I should lock myself inside cause I hate what’s going on outside!

On other days I am at peace with this city. No, I don’t love it anymore, it’s more like a medicine I know I have to take in order to stay alive but that doesn’t mean that I enjoy taking it. It’s sour and it makes me feel bad but on the long run it keeps me alive.  It’s a necessary evil.

I am so used to second hand clothes and buying new stuff from sales that I think it’s preposterous to pay 10-20-30 lei more for something I really like. If it doesn’t have ‘on sale’ written on it or if it’s not 50-60 lei, I won’t buy it. And I don’t think it’s because I value money, I think it’s because I’m cheap. I don’t even let Mum buy expansivish things for me. I’d like to be more impulsive, to like myself more and thus allow myself more nice things.

When it comes to good food, I think I enjoy both the taste and the people I share it with. Now that I’m a full-time working class hero, I really appreciate the weekend, especially Friday evening. There’s nothing better than to have an unfiltered beer (or two, three), talk about silly things and make plans (which probably won’t come true, but who cares?) for the next two days.

And sometimes unpredictable things happen, like your key breaking in your bike lock and having to leave your bike overnight at the restaurant. I was so relived when we got there today and found our bikes safe and sound! Talking about bikes, I want to sell my new bike. Yup, so soon. I only rode it twice but I don’t feel good on it. It’s very comfy, it’s pretty but I don’t feel good on it. With my old bike it was love at first ride. I know it sounds cheesy, but I was one with it. Even now, when I bike to work every morning I feel so good, it’s what I need, it’s the perfect bike for me. So, if you know anyone who’s interested in buying a bike, maybe you could tell them about my bike.

It’s the second time this summer we’ve been to the park and I don’t want to make promises that I can’t keep, but I’d love to be less lazy and less moody and go there more often. It’s so quiet and nice and green! I read and we played badminton and ate junk food and it was one of the most relaxing afternoons in a very long time.

Also 11 more days till I’m going home! I can hardly wait!

As this schizophrenic springs goes on – one day lulling me outside with sunshine, warm weather and trees in bloom, the next day making me cut my wrists cause it’s raining and it’s cold – I find it harder and harder going to bars. Well, I go but I don’t stay there for too long. Yesterday evening we met at Unirea and we wanted to eat something on Lipscani. We entered a bar and then immediately left because it was too full of cigarette smoke. The same thing happened with three other bars until we finally decided to just pick one, eat fast and go back home. I hate that fucking smoke and I hate these fucking polices that are against non-smokers. Fine, you have an addiction, good for you, but why the fuck do I have to suffer because of it? Why do my clothes and hair have to stink because of it? Why do my lungs have to be affected because of it?

And the same ‘fuck you’ goes to people who talk loudly on their mobile phones. No, dear, I don’t give a fuck about what you’re going to eat tonight and I don’t care what he said. Don’t they realise how pathetic it is to shout out loud your problems, idiocies, gossips etc? Shut the fuck up, idiots!

I need a holiday and maybe some Xanax.

Yesterday was such a long day. I had an exam, but that was just fine. I love that professor! She is so nice and open-minded and she reads only contemporary literature – yep, just my type. Some people are simply right for what they are doing, while others… Don’t even get my started! I am so furious when I see that the same rules don’t apply to all of us, that some people get a special treatment… It just makes me sick. ‘Some animals are more equal than others’ totally applies to my MA program.

All the bars were full yesterday. It was very difficult to find a table for four on Lipscani. Most of  the bars have high prices, are full of smoke and have shitty music. And still, they are full. Going out is getting more and more frustrating. I’m considering buying lots of bottles of white beer and enjoying them at home. Maybe we’ll even buy a board game (the puzzle wasn’t such a good idea). Or maybe we’ll reserve a table in Absintherie Sixtina every time we want to go out and then we won’t be forced to drink overpriced beer in some horrible bar.

It’s difficult to choose what to read next. I’m so moody and so… I can’t focus on anything. One moment I’m in bed, then I’m washing the dishes, then I’m reading again, then I’m checking my mails… I’m so jumpy. I need some pills to calm down

I guess that I’m anxious about the future and that’s why I can’t enjoy the present (so cheesy, I know). At least I don’t have nightmares anymore. Also, I’m able to get up before 9 o’clock in the morning, which is quite something for me. What do I do with all that time? I guess I worry it away. I need to change something. Maybe the length of my hair. Maybe my hair colour. Maybe I need to discover new bands or new authors. I don’t know what I need, but hopefully I’ll find out soon enough.

I don’t remember ever having such a nice autumn here, in Baia Mare. There are leaves everywhere, it’s not yet chilly and, I don’t know why, the city seems to give off a festive air. I bought new frames and starting with next week I’ll be wearing green glasses. I also got a haircut. There are things I like doing in Baia Mare and it is different when I go shopping with Mum than when I do it on my own.

In this case, it’s nice to know that some things don’t change: the good pasta from the restaurant near the park, the delicious and cheap natural juice from Sandwich House, the bicycles everywhere, the overall calmness of the city.

***

And I can’t believe we don’t have heating yet. I don’t know what they’re waiting for. It’s already bloody cold, under 10 degrees each and every day. Come on, people, help us out here! When I sit at my desk I wear, like I’ve said, three sweaters, two pairs of thick socks and I wrap myself in a blanket. I would put on gloves if I could type with them… I don’t remember ever being this cold, not even when I was 11 or 12 and we got a new heating system and it wasn’t ready in time and it was cold outside and I had to stay with my parents in one  room and we had some kind of a electrical heating device in the room and that was all. It was freezing cold in the rest of the apartment, but it was warm and nice in that one room.

***

On the bright side, I’m using every possible reason to turn on the oven and sit in the kitchen so yesterday I baked brownies. Oompa gave me an awesome recipe. I’m thinking of baking only brownies and muffins from now on; no more experimenting.

***

And on an even brighter side, we’re going to Dublin. Yup, last night we booked the plane tickets and a hostel room. I wanted to give up traveling for a while, but Mum called and said that BlueAir had this great offer and when I checked their website and saw Bucharest-Dublin I couldn’t help myself and booked the flight. We’re going in November, from the 13th until the 16th. If you have any tips & tricks, please share them with me.

However, in the last couple of months I’ve been really pissed because of a neighbour. We have this middle-age couple living next door and for some time their son lived with them. He is in his early thirties, some kind of a worker by the overalls he wears when he comes back from work, and incredibly rude. In the beginning, me and Eddie always said ‘hi’ when we saw him and he barely nodded. I even said ‘hi’ first when I saw him, although I know it’s polite for men to greet women and not the other way around (it has nothing to do with sexism, it’s just that I like some things to be they way they’ve always been). Anyways, after a couple of weeks I got tired of being the polite neighbour and him not giving a crap so I stopped greeting him.

The thing is that this guy always smokes in the hall, in front of our door. It doesn’t matter that he opens the window, there is still some smoke coming inside the apartment when we open the front door. And he likes to call his friends while he’s enjoying his cigarette so we have the audio to go with the odor. Aaaaand, sometimes, he is in his underwear. Yup, as casual as that. You come back from the city and there he is, in a loose T-shirt and his boxers, smoking and talking. He totally owns the hall!

I’ve been wanting to ask him to stop for some time now, but I admit I was afraid. He looks quite strong and I don’t think he’s very bright and you know how these people tend to react when they are criticized… well, actually, you never know how they react so it’s better not to say anything. And that’s exactly what I did: I’ve been holding it in for the last months. Until tonight…

Eddie cam from work today and the moment we kissed I felt he reeked of cigarette smoke. I asked him if his colleagues smoked again all day and he said no, it was the stupid neighbour again. I didn’t even stop to put shoes on, I just rushed outside the door. He had already entered the house, but before I knew it, I was knocking on his door. He opened it:

- Hello, sorry to bother you, but I’ve been meaning to tell you something for a very long time. You know, I really don’t like it when you smoke in front of my door. The smoke gets inside my apartment and it’s not nice at all.
- What do you mean it gets inside your apartment? I always smoke with the window open.
- Yes, but you smoke in front of my door. I’m not a smoker and I’m really sensitive when it comes to that. So I would really appreciate it if you didn’t smoke in the hall again. Thanks.
- Yeah, whatever. I don’t even live here anymore. I’m just visiting my parents now.
- OK, I just wanted you to know that.
- But you know, how come you ask me such a thing when every time you see me you walk past by me without saying a thing?
- Excuse me?! I had no idea a woman was supposed to greet a man first. I thought it was the other way around. And, besides, I used to do it in the beginning but then it was just me doing it so I stopped.
- And what about the guy who is living with you? Why isn’t he greeting me?
- He is my boyfriend and he used to greet you but you never answered.
- I don’t care what he is, we’re both men so he should greet me.
- Whatever, that’s not the point and it’s not my problem. He can do what he wants, I didn’t come here for that.

At which point his mum butts in:
- You know, what about all the things you do?
- ???
- You’re always banging the door of the elevator. He is always doing that.
- I’m sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but he never takes the elevator. He is always going up and down using the stairs.
- *putting the hand on her heart and making a really offended face* But there are people with big bags coming from your part of the hall and banging the door of the elevator.
- I still don’t think you’re referring to us so, sorry, can’t help you with that. I didn’t want to make a big fuss out of this but I couldn’t take it anymore and I just came over to politely tell your son not to smoke in front of my door.
- We’ll see what we can do about that.

I still feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins. It was the first time I stood up for myself in that manner and the first time I told someone that I had a problem with their behaviour. OK, so I told some people on the bus to quit playing stupid manele on their phones because they were really loud and everyone was fed up with it, but this was completely different. I think it’s OK to tell people what bothers you. You should be aware when your actions bother other people and you should do something about them. I think that respect plays a key role in being ‘happier, fitter and more productive’.

I hate it when adults treat me like shit just because I’m young. Or when they think my opinion doesn’t matter, or they think they can walk all over me and I just have to shut up and take it just because I’m 23. I have as much right as they have to use that hall and if I don’t walk around in my underwear talking in front of their door and polluting the air with horrible smells, I want them to do the same thing. As long as I respect them, I want them to respect me in return.

I’m telling you, I haven’t felt this good about myself in ages! I was polite, yet firm and I think I’ve made at least his mum feel a bit ashamed for her boy’s behaviour, which means she will think twice before she lets him smoke in front of our door again. I’m pretty sure I haven’t won the war yet, cause she is the type of person who looks through her peephole and writes down everything you do so that she can throw it in your face at one point, but I’ve surely won the battle I am so proud of myself!

First of all, I have way too much free time. In fact, the only thing I have now is free time: no classes at the moment, no work, no hobbies, no nothing. I try reading but I can’t concentrate. I try watching Six Feet Under but instead of paying attention to what the characters are doing I am constantly checking my Twitter account and hitting the refresh button in Google reader. I cook but that takes, hmmm, about 1-2h and then I’m right back where I’ve started.

Mum is right: I should make the best of this spare time. I should try and read that Spanish course I’ve bought, I should write e-mails to all my friends, I should improve what needs to be improved. The problem is that I’m not in the mood for doing all those things that “need to be done”. I just… I don’t know what I want. Maybe I want the patience to read a whole book in one day or maybe I want to find a job and complain of not having enough free time or maybe I just want those bloody classes to start already so I can look forward to something.

The only things I’m really excited about are my friends’ visits. vio and P. are arriving next Monday and on the 29th Marianne is also coming to stay here a couple of days. I know we’re going to have a great time together and I will feel excellent for some time but until then, everything is just… blah!

And I knoooooow that I’m acting like a spoiled brat and that I have so many things that I should be thankful for but you know what, I’m human, I’m needy, I’m picky and I want everything to be OK! Anyways, I’ll go now… but, damn, I miss some action in my life!

2. Her boy, who is 16,  is staying with us for 2 weeks just because I like his mum and I feel like I owe them something for those 2 weeks I spent at their place. I don’t like him at all and it was just a favour.

3. When we got back home from BM, the house was a mess. He had been using our pans although Eddie had told him to buy his own pan for frying meat. There were oil stains everywhere, unwashed dishes scattered around the kitchen. More than that, his stuff was everywhere – we barely had any place in the fridge to put our own groceries.

4. The moment he came home I told him about the mess he had made. His answer: “I didn’t think that was a mess. To me it looked clean enough”. Not to mention the countless rude retorts. He thinks he owns the place and he acts like I’m the guest.

5. I started cleaning the kitchen and the moment I was finished with the cooker he wanted to fry meat!!!!! For fuck’s sake, I scrubbed and I cleaned and now you want to fuck up my work? Of course, he is a sportsman and he needs to eat heavy stuff… Now all the apartment smells of his fucking fried meat and I don’t even want to see how the cooker looks…

6. Every time I tell him about something bad that he has done, he replies that “I’m only 16″ or “I had no idea about that” or “I’m a boy, I don’t have to know how to cook”. Well, fuck you, I won’t give you private cooking lessons! Speaking of which, his mum told me today that I should teach him how to clean! EXCUSE ME??? Are you bloody insane???? You’re letting your kid move on his own to Bucharest, finishing his high school here and you want me to teach him everyfuckingthing that you haven’t taught him yet??? I’m sorry, I’m no babysitter.

7. This is it! Except friends and family and the occasional couch surfers, I won’t have anyone else stay at my place. Yes, I have a spare room, but I don’t want to be anyone’s maid. Really, it’s absolutely outrageous the way this kid talks to me! And for these two hell of a weeks he is not paying rent and he didn’t bring us anything, not even a bar of chocolate. It’s like “hey, suckers, I’m pissing all over you and you can’t do anything about that”. I would LOVE to just throw his stuff out of the balcony and change the lock. But I can’t, so IN MY OWN HOUSE I will have to put up with his crap until Friday.

Someone really hates me up there…