Rainbow Child

I am incapable of being content. Not happy – content. Since I can remember I have always wanted to be someone else. Not to have what someone has, but to be them. No matter how many things I buy, how many cities I visit, how many books I read, how many boyfriends I have, I’m still dissatisfied, disappointed, unhappy. And it’s all my fault. Actually, I don’t know if I call it ‘fault’. It’s rather a malfunction of my system. I can write lists after lists with things that make me ‘happy’ but that doesn’t mean that I really feel that way.

I didn’t ask for any of this but everything is because of me. And I don’t know how to live blaming myself and also motivating myself. Like everything else about me, this is just another paradox.

*Wir sind Helden – Die Träume anderer Leute

I want to write about Sibiu and the official end of the year (for me 2011 will end a bit later) but I’m already back in this crappy routine and I feel like everything happened a long long time ago. Basically, it was great. We met Béranger and C. and we had a lovely time together. Thinking about them and friends in general I can’t figure out what it takes for a friendship to survive. I mean, it’s obvious that we’re not all the same, that we have different world views, that there are small things that annoy us but in the end we still feel good when we meet and we miss each other when we’re apart. I guess that I can get over many things as long as I feel that I can rely on the other person and as soon as I see that I can’t do that anymore I back away and then I don’t even suffer when it’s over.

There are two things I love about Sibiu: the buildings from the city center and the food. I could go there and eat all day and just walk around the same beautiful streets all day long. It’s such a pity that Bucharest doesn’t have such a pedestrian area. Lipscani is so small and so… small. You go up on one street, come down on another one and that’s that. (But I do appreciate all the pubs there! )

Now I’m back in Bucharest and I’m miserable cause I have to do go to work. It’s absolutely horrible to do something which you don’t like, to be forced to do it. It’s not that I don’t like my actual work – I like it, I really do! – but OMG how difficult it is for me to have a schedule, to spend 8h on a chair, to go there every bloody day. On the other hand, it’d be depressed if I just stayed at home and did nothing and had no money. A part-time job would fit me like a glove but they don’t grow on trees and I get no answers to the CVs I send. I have to stop complaining, look harder for a new job and get the hell out of there!

The best part of Christmas is the second day when my parents go to have fun at their friends’ place and I stay behind and I’m alone for a couple of hours. I spend 2 1/2 days with my family in the countryside and I feel that I’ve said everything there was to say and that we had a lovely Christmas together and now I can reward myself with a bit of me time.

Up until now I’ve had a great time home. Tiring but great. I don’t feel that I’ve missed much by not keeping in touch with many people. Yes, I miss some of my classmates but I’m not as sociable as I used to be, I’m not that open. I hate it when people don’t mix, when there are awkward pauses in the conversation and I feel good only with people I’ve know for years and whom I can rely on. The night I went out with Steve and M. was fantastic from my point of view. We had something to drink, the conversation was great and I felt that we were going to meet for many more years to come. I think one of my resolutions will be to let go of people who don’t mean that much to me and stick to the ones who deserve it. There are things I can get over and there are things that are a deal breaker. And for my peace of mind I’m not going to accept any deal breakers.

Spending time with my extended family was okish except that the kids become tiring the third morning and at one point the grown-ups surrounded me with stupid questions: ‘When are you getting married?’ ‘Why hasn’t he joined you here?’ ‘Are you still with him?’ ‘Do you still have feelings for him?’ etc. etc. etc. I know that they always do that and I know that I can’t stop them (that much I’ve learned by going to therapy) but sometimes I wish I could put them on mute and explain that I never ask them about their personal business and that I hate it when they’re trying to be funny by asking me such idiotic questions but I’m pretty sure that next time they would ask the same questions all over again. So I just took a deep breath, told them I’m not getting married and changed the subject. But it bothers me that they still don’t know me/understand me and that they think that I’ll change my mind and do what’s expected of me.

I can’t believe I’m the oldest one among my cousins and other relatives! That I’m an aunt who brings them presents for Christmas and who has a fancy phone and who got a cool haircut and colours her hair! I remember vividly the times when I looked up to my cousins and now it’s scary that there are others who look up to me. Even tough we are so different we are still bound together by this thing called ‘family’. This concept still puzzles me and 50% of time I want to be as far as possible from it (family) and the other half I’d give anything to be closer… I can only hope that one day I’ll know what I actually want.

*Bon Iver – Blood Bank

These last two weeks have been horrible. I am overworked, overstressed, overunhappy. I though I could break free from the prison called work and do it on my own as a freelancer but all my dreams and hopes were shattered. I had one nervous breakdown after another. My problem is that I’m gullible and naive and it’s so easy to give me false hope and then when it turns out that well, I have to stay put ’cause you changed your mind about working with me as a freelancer all the things I had imagined, every bright day I had pictured came tumbling down and it sucked. Big time. Now I have to pull myself together and think if I want to go to work with tears in my eyes every morning knowing that nothing will improve there for my point of view or if I want to risk and still try to make it on my own. It’s such a hard decision as long as I don’t have anything real that I can hold on to… I still have a couple of days to think about it and I’ll do that.

This is my third day in Baia Mare and I still can’t sleep properly. I used to love the bed here and whenever I got home I just put my head on the pillow and I was asleep. And now I toss and turn and nothing. Not even the two duvets and the overheated room don’t make things easier for me.

But it’s good to be back home, I have to admit that. I have already met some of my dear friends from here and I still have many more to meet. I haven’t had time for myself but I managed to have my hair cut (yes, A., now you won’t have to see the ugly cut from the back of my head anymore ), buy some winter shoes and spend quality time with Mum. Oh, it’s soooo good to eat cooked food again! I’m sick and tired of falafel and pizza! At the top of my list with resolution I should put ‘cook more’. But who actually keeps track of those silly resolutions? I think they sound nice, they give you the impression that the year that’s just starting is going to be different, better and then you end up doing the same stupid things all over again.

I’m eating tangerines like there’s no tomorrow. I envy that my father has a green thumb. Yeah, their apartment gets more sunlight than ours, but still… They have so many plants and flowers and so few casualties. All the plants that I buy wither either because I water them too much or too less or because they don’t have enough light. I want to bright up the place and I can’t. I such a loser in so many ways…

This snow is such a bitch! When I woke up there was a thin layer of snow everywhere and it was snowing beautifully with big fat flakes and now it’s gone I really can’t picture Christmas without it and the city looks so sad and muddy and ugly. But there are still some days left and I still have hope.

I want to go back to bed and read all day but I don’t know if I have the patience to do that. I’m really mad at myself for not reading as much as I used to. I have to change that but how? Reading is something so personal, so mood-dependent. I can’t force myself to read if I’m not in the right mood and because I have other activities in the evenings I don’t have much time to read. It’s a horrible vicious circle!

*DeYarmond Edison - As long as I can go

Ar trebui să-mi repet asta de zeci de mii de ori pe zi…