Living in two separate worlds is not easy. But while packing and unpacking my suitcase once again I’ve realised that I should stop complaining and accept the fact that I can’t and don’t want to become estranged from my parents, my family, my friends there, and since I’m the one who moved away, I should also be the one who visits them. Yeah, it’s a very long train ride, yeah, sometimes I don’t feel that great being back there, but then, when I’m back here, I know I’ve done the right thing.

It’s splendid to live in a house and I love the way it turned out, but another thing that I’ve realised this time is that I am just a visitor. Yes, I have my own room, but I don’t have the keys of the house. Yes, I have a bike, but it will feel weird every time I’ll come back late at night – I wouldn’t want to disturb my parents, make noises, have them worry about me and why it is taking me so long to get back home.

Mum is so happy to have me there and I love every moment I spend with her — our long talks and our shopping sprees, seeing how proud she is when I compliment her on her cooking and how proud of her I am that she’s a self-made woman, who has worked damn hard to achieve everything and thanks to whom I can now live a carefree life. But this equilibrium is so fragile: we’re always tiptoeing around each other, afraid to say the wrong thing, to act the wrong way, to want too much from the other one.

As for my friends are concerned, we have our own special routine, which I wouldn’t change for the world. I always have tea or something sweet to eat with L., and we talk about books, guys, family. I love the fact that besides being a very attentive and dedicated wife and mother she still has time for herself.

I think that drinking Cuba Libre will become the trademark of my meetings with Steve. We drink and talk and fool around and feel incredibly great with each other. And it dawned on me that we’ve known each other for almost 8 years!!! (We should drink a Cuba Libre to that!)

I am once again confronting myself with my inner demons. Making up scenarios in my mind is the thing that I do best but it’s not the best thing to do. I sometimes feel like I’m socially impaired. I cannot communicate properly what I feel and I cannot control my feelings. I get hooked on an idea, a person, I feed myself with the aforementioned scenarios and then when they don’t come true I have a small breakdown. Now I always recover afterwards, but I am still shaken and puzzled. I am afraid of the intensity of my feelings and what I am ready to do in order to follow my heart. But this is what I wanted: this idea of endless possibilities, the belief that one day dreams will come true.

*Oh Land – White Nights

Posted on by ionuca | Posted in Baia Mare, I think I'm paranoid and complicated, I'm just a girl, More than words can say, Pictures of you, Try walking in my shoes, With a little help from my friends

12 Responses to Has it been a day or a week?*

  1. by Verde Ursuz on March 8, 2013 at 8:38 am

    I used to get so upset when things didn’t go as planned. But then one day, you just learn that having no expectations and just taking things as they are is the best way. And as impossible as it may sound, it really is what helps us see that when something does not happen, it’s always for a reason and usually for the best.

    And it’s not about expecting nothing from people or things, it’s about understanding what we can in fact control.

  2. by ionuca on March 8, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    @Verde Ursuz: I totally agree with everything you said. I think that little by little I’ll get there: no expectations, no scenarios, seeing each and every day like a blank page that I get to colour while I’m living it and not before :)

  3. by Verde Ursuz on March 12, 2013 at 11:43 am

    I think we get wherever we want as long as we don’t forget that we want to get somewhere.

  4. by Gracie on March 13, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    Ahh………..the hard way to growing up………..hold on girl, you’re doing a great job!

  5. by D. on March 13, 2013 at 9:53 pm

    De ce nu scrii în limba română?

  6. by ionuca on March 13, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    @Gracie: I am? That’s so good to hear! :)

    @D.: pentru că mi s-ar părea totul mult mai personal. Când scriu în engleză simt că pot să mă detașez.

  7. by D. on March 14, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Păi e un blog personal…
    De cine sau ce vrei să te detașezi?

  8. by ionuca on March 14, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    @D.: de ce mi se întâmplă, evident :)

  9. by D. on March 15, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    Și e bine de tot ce se întâmplă… Nu?

  10. by D. on March 15, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    În sensul ăsta, i-a uite ce maimuțoi frumos mi s-a pus la avatar!

  11. by ionuca on March 16, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    @D.: Dacă îți faci cont pe Gravatar, poți să alegi tu ce îți apare la avatar ;)

  12. by D. on March 21, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Neah… daca nu știu să mă bucur de ceea ce primesc, de ce-aș merita mai mult!?

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