While I watched him pack and leave I kept thinking: Is this what I really want? Why don’t I put a stop to this madness? Come on, don’t ruin this! But I wasn’t ruining anything… I was just doing what I know best: letting go.
Ever since my heart was trampled on for the first time my motto has been ‘people come and go’. I don’t believe in The One; I consider the whole soul mate business rather silly. And I definitely don’t think love lasts forever. I think there are people who come into one’s life at the right moment and then leave when their time is over.
We used to sneer at the thought of getting married, and yet I felt as we had been married for at least 10 years. I felt I was settling. But I don’t want to settle. I don’t want a relationship that’s so-so. I don’t want to be loved and taken care of and pampered without offering something in return. I hate one-sided relationships. And I couldn’t give anything back anymore. At one point it stopped being the relationship I wanted.
Being alone scares the shit out of me. Yet it’s the right thing to do. For me, for him. I have mentally prepared myself for being miserable from time to time, for crying my eyes out, for cursing my idealistic side, for hating everything about my life. I know I’m going to feel like crap a lot of days.
But I am also prepared for whatever tomorrow might bring. Deep down I know I’ll be fine. Whatever happens, I’ll always be fine. Now I just have to get used to being by myself. Alone and happy. If I can master that, I can do anything.
>:D<