These last two weeks have been horrible. I am overworked, overstressed, overunhappy. I though I could break free from the prison called work and do it on my own as a freelancer but all my dreams and hopes were shattered. I had one nervous breakdown after another. My problem is that I’m gullible and naive and it’s so easy to give me false hope and then when it turns out that well, I have to stay put ’cause you changed your mind about working with me as a freelancer all the things I had imagined, every bright day I had pictured came tumbling down and it sucked. Big time. Now I have to pull myself together and think if I want to go to work with tears in my eyes every morning knowing that nothing will improve there for my point of view or if I want to risk and still try to make it on my own. It’s such a hard decision as long as I don’t have anything real that I can hold on to… I still have a couple of days to think about it and I’ll do that.

This is my third day in Baia Mare and I still can’t sleep properly. I used to love the bed here and whenever I got home I just put my head on the pillow and I was asleep. And now I toss and turn and nothing. Not even the two duvets and the overheated room don’t make things easier for me.

But it’s good to be back home, I have to admit that. I have already met some of my dear friends from here and I still have many more to meet. I haven’t had time for myself but I managed to have my hair cut (yes, A., now you won’t have to see the ugly cut from the back of my head anymore :)) ), buy some winter shoes and spend quality time with Mum. Oh, it’s soooo good to eat cooked food again! I’m sick and tired of falafel and pizza! At the top of my list with resolution I should put ‘cook more’. But who actually keeps track of those silly resolutions? I think they sound nice, they give you the impression that the year that’s just starting is going to be different, better and then you end up doing the same stupid things all over again.

I’m eating tangerines like there’s no tomorrow. I envy that my father has a green thumb. Yeah, their apartment gets more sunlight than ours, but still… They have so many plants and flowers and so few casualties. All the plants that I buy wither either because I water them too much or too less or because they don’t have enough light. I want to bright up the place and I can’t. I such a loser in so many ways…


This snow is such a bitch! When I woke up there was a thin layer of snow everywhere and it was snowing beautifully with big fat flakes and now it’s gone :( I really can’t picture Christmas without it and the city looks so sad and muddy and ugly. But there are still some days left and I still have hope.

I want to go back to bed and read all day but I don’t know if I have the patience to do that. I’m really mad at myself for not reading as much as I used to. I have to change that but how? Reading is something so personal, so mood-dependent. I can’t force myself to read if I’m not in the right mood and because I have other activities in the evenings I don’t have much time to read. It’s a horrible vicious circle!

*DeYarmond Edison – As long as I can go

Posted on by ionuca | Posted in Bits and pieces, For a minute there I lost myself, I'm just a girl, Music sounds better with you, My Bucharest, Pictures of you, Rest in pieces, Try walking in my shoes

7 Responses to As long as I can go*

  1. by claudia on December 21, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    oh come on, not you too!! That pie looks absolutely delish!!!

  2. by Ally on December 23, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    A job is still a job, no matter how much we would like it to be more fun, a passion, a thing of beauty, etc…. So don’t worry way too much if it’s not what you wanted it to be; just find the fantastic things/people that are in your life and care for them even more :)
    Merry Christmas! :)

  3. by Meli on December 23, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Ionuca ;) ,

    I wish you a very merry Christmas and already all the best for the New Year. Don´t be too strict on yourself, it sounds hard what you write but I know that everything will come out well. Life is always like that. I am also a bit in a tricky situation right now concerning my studies, work and so on but we have to stay optimistic! (I know it sounds pathetic! ;)) but that´s all we can do.
    Te pup si pe curand! Miss ya!

  4. by A. on December 23, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Ah, taiatura aia stramba!… Aleluia, aud ingeri cu trompete :D

  5. by Béranger on December 24, 2011 at 10:35 pm


  6. by ionuca on December 26, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    @Claudia: I’m feeling better. Now. :)

    @Ally: I don’t quite agree. We could try to make it better and if we fail we can always quit and start things all over again. We don’t need to suffer because of a job.

    @Meli: we were always very alike :) I miss you and I’d love to see you again. Maybe we’ll see each other in spring, in Vienna :)

    @A.: special pentru tine m-am dus la tuns – that’s how much I care ;)

    @Béranger: you can say that again.

  7. by Meli on January 1, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    Da, suntem! ;) Ce sa zic!? ;)) )
    Si mie mi-e dor de tine, sper ca o sa ne vedem in acest an! ;) In Romania sau in Germania ca nu mai locuiesc in Viena. M-am reintors in Germania pentru Masterat! ;)
    Te pup

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