Tuesday from 6 to 7 is my special time. I get to talk about whatever I want, I can cry as much as I want and I get to find out so many things about myself, things I knew but didn’t pay attention to, things I thought would always be there but are not anymore, new things that I learn about… It’s liberating and it also helps me to understand myself better. I should have done this a long time ago…

For example, I’ve realised that I need my life to be structured, organised to the point where I need to control everything: time, feelings, thoughts. I don’t like changes of plans, things that are not according to the schedule I’ve set, and I don’t like to rely on people – because I can’t control them. I get upset, angry, sometimes panicky if things don’t turn out as I want them to. No, I haven’t learned how to manage this… need, I’m just fascinated with how clear everything seems once I talk about it, acknowledge it and accept it.

I’m thinking of making a schedule for each evening: cooking, going out, blogging, watching a movie, photowalking etc. I should try to benefit from this need: control my life, organise it, give it the shape I want. I don’t know if that would make me happier, but I can give it a try, can’t I?

*Kate Nash – Navy Taxi

Posted on by ionuca | Posted in For a minute there I lost myself, I'm just a girl

8 Responses to This time it will be different*

  1. by Amalia on September 20, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    are we talking about therapy?

  2. by Verde Ursuz on September 21, 2011 at 8:17 am

    And yet no one really understood me when I said I have no expectations whatsoever. And I was talking about people around me, whether was family, whether was friends. Just because, like you said, we cannot (nor should we) control their feelings, emotions and actions. And when we acknowledge that, we get stronger because indeed we rely on ourselves. And when something changes unexpectedly, we don’t get upset anymore because we already know we are strong enough to deal with any change of plans. And one fact I also “verified” is that knowing everything really happens for a reason does help a lot. Just pick a situation and choose to react to it differently than you’d usually do. If you’d normally get angry, try be calm this time and see what happens. The solution to it will seem to come out of nowhere. Promise.

  3. by Béranger on September 21, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    You’re getting old, I guess.

  4. by Gracie on September 21, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Can I give you my two cents here? It’s important that you get to know yourself better and learn what can make you angry and upset, but you must to learn also how to accept your reactions and how to adapt to circumstances as well…..

  5. by ionuca on September 22, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    @Amalia: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘I’ :P

    @Verde Ursuz: but I still can’t react differently – and maybe I’ll never will, but at least I’m trying to figure out what I want. I think that is my main goal now and I’ll deal with the rest later :)

    @Béranger: a child is not organised, true, but I’m still a child in so many other ways :)

    @Gracie: that very true and hopefully one day I’ll be able to do that.

  6. by Verde Ursuz on September 23, 2011 at 12:16 am

    as a great man once said… whatever works! :)

  7. by Ally on September 28, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    Tried scheduling everything and it doesn’t work that way :) At least not for me. Sure, I am as organized as I can be when school is concerned, but I can’t really control everything besides that…

  8. by ionuca on September 28, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    @Ally: not everything, just the things I can schedule – meetings, dividing my work, setting up a cooking day etc. I’ll tell you if it works.

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