Rainbow Child

Is it? In those moments when you are extremely desperate and depressed what makes you going? What stops you from going on top of a building and putting an end to it all? I’ve tried to give and answer but I couldn’t. I remember myself crying my eyes out for whatever reason and sobbing and saying over and over again “I can’t take it anymore!” and “Enough! Enough! Enough!” And still… here I am. Hope… we all hope for better days, for things to improve, for a more pink life. But do we still have hope in those moments? Are we truly able to believe that it’s just a phase we’re going through and in the end everything will be ok?

And if it’s not hope – stupid hope, hope that never comes true, but still, HOPE – then what is it? I’m a happy person most of the time, but I do have my bad days. And I scream and I cry and I bite my hand or my lip or I scratch my arm till it bleeds, I do anything to forget about my inner pain. Still – how do I know the pain is bearable, how do I know it’s not the time to put an end to my miserable life? I don’t know. Deep down inside I just feel that way: that no matter how much I suffer, it will go away. And sometimes the burden of the time that doesn’t heal my wounds is almost driving me mad, but still… here I am.

Where does this optimism come from? Why am I so keen on living tough I’m aware life’s not a bed of roses? One thing’s for sure: my happiness doesn’t revolve around one major aspect of my life. There are so many things that make me smile, that make me feel good, that make me happy. Maybe they keep me going. Maybe I’m living for all those simple things. But isn’t that a mediocre way of living? All this taking life as it is, not really wishing or dreaming about grand things, things you know from the start you’ll never have, being satisfied with what you’ve got and not even having the desire to improve yourself? Isn’t this mediocre? I find my optimism and enthusiasm rather annoying. I mean, is it good to think that no matter what, in the end everything will be fine? That you can cope with anything. That there’s nothing which can actually make you want to quit this life. I think it’s more than childish.

Anyway, I don’t know if anyone will understand something out of this post, but I do have a question for you: what keeps you going?

I don’t acutally have something to write about, but I’d do anything not to get back to study&work. Anything, you understand?! I have to finish correcting a book by tomorrow noon and I’m like bleeeeah! The book is about some management stuff, that’s why I don’t like it And I still have to read something about William Blake and then re-read all the info for the exam. One thing’s good: uRMa’s sleeping with me again. I know, I’m sooo irresistible

Uhm, I had a great time yesterday. The Kumm concert was great, great, great and I bought a Kumm T-shirt!!! It’s so pretty and it looks great on me! [oh, I'm sooo modest tonight ]. Then we went to a bar and it must have been the beer, but I felt great. Of course, the ones around me [Jen, oompa, Patric and Alex] couldn’t have a decent conversation because of me – I kept on talking for ages! – but at least I made them smile. It’s awesome to hang around with people you care about

I’ve realised these days that I don’t have a proper vice. I mean, yeah, I buy a lot of books and I rarely leave a bookstore without buying something, but that’s not bad, is it? But I need something to spice up my life. Well, in fact, I have no idea what I really want. I’m always complaining that I don’t have enough time to read, but when I spend entire days at home doing nothing but read and waste time on the net, I have these existential problems and I wish I went out more, I had more fun, stuff like that. So, I need something to do apart from reading. And I think a vice is the perfect thing

I thought about smoking. But I hate only the thought of it! It’s YEAK! I hate the smell, the taste [ I once smoked a cigar], the smell, the smell, the smell. Then I thought about drinking. Oh, I don’t want to become alcoholic!!! I was thinking more like taking a break from it all, going to a pub have a beer or two and then coming back home. It still won’t work. I’m all red in the cheeks after a beer and I talk a lot so who knows what strange people I would be talking to without even realising? Uhm, any kind of sport is out of the question; the same with drugs. And I don’t like computer games as well. I could try eating more chocolate, but I don’t want to end up suffering from diabetes. Looks like I’m out of vices. Help?

And because my internet provider sucks big time, I have no idea when I’ll actually post this

*Noir Désir – Lazy

I love Garfield!

And, on another topic, here’s a song I tooootally love! In fact, Klaxons are my new musical obsession! Go, Klaxons! [and thank you, Dorin for sharing ]

Come with me, come with me
We’ll travel to infinity
Come with me, come with me
We’ll travel to infinity
I’ll always be there, oh, oh, my future love
I’ll always be there, for you, my future love

And I’ve read that the lyrics have to do with Pynchon’s novel – Gravity’s Rainbow. Must read it! [later edit: the book has been downloaded and uploaded on my eBook reader; I'm good! ]

Another later edit: here’s the clip to the song

The bitch chewed on my earphones!!!! On my brand new earphones!!!!!! They are ruined!!!!!! I have to buy a new pair now and they won’t be Apple cause I don’t have the money! I can’t believe this!

I didn’t look at a single Garfield comic strip today and it’s a quarter past 1 and I’m reading for my English civilization exam. I’m such a good child that I think I’ll reward myself by eating a chocolate. [btw, I gained 2.5 kg and I weight 53.5 kg ]