Idle and numb
26 Mar
I haven’t decided if I’m ok or not with myself when I simply waste my days. Today, for example, I didn’t want to go to school, so I slept till noon. Then I took a shower, read a book, argued with Cata, ate, vacuumed my room, made some tea, avoided writing a presentation for a book and then slept for an hour. Now I’m having my second cup of tea and I’m doing everything possible not to get down to work.
As for my relationship goes, heck, I have no idea what to do or say to him. We’ve talked about what happened on Friday, but we didn’t reach a conclusion. He said that if he hadn’t gone back home, his mum would have never let him come to Bucharest again. That’s lame! And he told me that she doesn’t like the fact that he’s the one who’s always coming here and I don’t want to go to Cluj to see him. Of course I don’t want to do that! It’s stupid! I haven’t been to Cluj tough My Maria asked me so many times and now I’m supposed to go there for him? And how about Mum? Again, she asked me countless times to go home one weekend and I said I can’t cause it’s too long a journey and now I’m supposed to go to Cj, which is only 150km away from Bm? No way!!! It’s funny that he has never told me before he was bothered by this situation. He knows damn well that I’m not going to Cj, no matter what happens. Anyway, I totally hate his mum. I’m not defending him, but I’m pretty sure she insisted that much on going to Cj because she was sure he wanted to come to Bucharest – and that is more than evil, in my opinion. And wtf, I’ve never asked of him to come every fortnight here. I know he has an important exam in June and I know he has a major project to think about. But, nooooo, he told me and he insisted that it was ok to come that often. I hadn’t seen him for 3 months; I could have accepted the situation of seeing him once/month. But he’s Superman, he can handle both school and his parents. Guess what? He’s not! And his mum’s a total bitch and I hate her. And I told him that and now I’m feeling relieved. And I don’t want to see her ever again! I don’t know if I want to see him again. Don’t know…
I’m not angry or anything, it’s just that he makes me sick. He’s a weak person and I hate that. And I’ve told him countless times that he should act like a man not like a puppy. But one thing is for sure: he’s not coming here anymore. I couldn’t even care less! He’s not going to fool me again and let me make plans and everything and then not show up or disappear after a couple of hours. Bastard! And as much as I wanted to go to Cluj when he finished university and be there by his side and meet his colleagues and be proud of him, I’m not going and there’s nothing he can say or do to change my mind. Firstly, his parents will be there [duuuh] and I’m NOT meeting him mum and, secondly, I want to give him a taste of his own medicine. Yes, I’m bitchy and evil, but I don’t care.
So, why don’t I simply break up with him? Now this is a tricky question. Truth is that I’m such in a crappy state of mind that I can’t even think about being with another guy. Only the though of it makes me sick 
And tough I’ve seen lots of cute guys it seems that I’ve lost interest in fantasizing having a relationship with another person. No one interests me. And it’s not the fact of being alone that scares me. Heck, nothing really scares me, but I don’t know… letting him go would me such a major change in my life and it’s not the moment. I’m not ready for that. Not yet. Maybe he’ll finally realise that this is not working, that we can’t have one peaceful month and he’ll be the one who’ll put an end to this. Till then I’ll go on and be as bitchy as possible with him. Bastard!
The good news is that my happiness doesn’t come only from this relationship. What I’m trying to say is that whenever we’re having a fight, he can’t do anything else. He’s mad and upset, he doesn’t want to talk to anyone, he doesn’t want to see his friends, he can’t study, nothing can make him happy in those moments. Thank God, I’m not like that at all! I can easily put aside those bad feelings and enjoy some pleasant ones. Just like now: I’m still very excited about the trip to Brasov. It was awesome! I bought lots of books, I met a very nice person – heya, Alex! 
, ahhh, it was simply great! And yesterday I went to a very nice tea house with Jen and Oompa and I had a great time! It was so cool to have one of those girl talks with two very special persons in a quaint tea house. Simply loved it! 
And now I’m über excited about my future iPod! 
Yes, I’m buying a 30GB iPod! I won’t receive it till May, when Dana comes to Romania, but only the thought that I’m going to have one makes me jump around! And I don’t know if I should order a case or those very cute iPod socks. I know the case will offer my iPod more protection, but those socks are mighty colourful! 
Anyway, I still have lots of time to decide which one to buy, but suggestions are always welcome! 
And now for some pictures
My future iPod
my Converse
My Maria and me
the same
I love this pic!
in February, when I used to be happy and smile a lot
You’re too young to not be fully happy with your life. You have no responsabilities but to yourself, so, if this relationship is more bads than goods, have the courage to stop it. Just my two cents. Love.
If I were anyone else reading this, I would agree with Gracie that you should end this relationship if one of the reasons you are not doing such is because it’s hard to let go. But, as you know, I had/have problems letting go too. I think you should do so when you feel the time is right. If your relationship isn’t all great, but you’re not ready to throw it away, then don’t. Who knows if it’s the best decision to make? But I don’t think that ultimately it will make that big of a difference. Unless you are incredibly unhappy or unless you feel like the relationship is holding you back from things you could be doing or other people you could be dating, then I see no problem in your sticking with it for the time being. You will know when you should make some sort of decision one way or the other.
PS: cute pics!