Rainbow Child

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you’d gone
And the world spins madly on.

The Weepies – World spins madly on [my newest obsession]

Stau turceste pe jos, in fata cutiei, si mi-e frica sa o deschid. Fiecare ar trebui sa aiba o asemenea cutie, o cutie cu amintiri, o cutie in care sa tina bilete de tren, felicitari, flori presate, etichete – toate nimicurile care te-au facut sa zambesti si care sunt pentru totdeauna legate de anumite persoane, locuri, intamplari. Nimicuri care ne aduc aminte de noi.

Ceaiul de portocale pe care-l beau e, asa, bitter-sweet, cum e si starea mea de spirit. Parca nu as vrea sa deschid cutia. Nu mai stiu exact ce am in ea de ultima data de cand m-a uitat. Daca gasesc ceva care o sa ma faca sa plang? Nu, nu sunt lasa… mai ascult piesa asta de la uRMa si apoi chiar deschid cutia. Gata, am deschis-o. Ah, cand s-au adunat atatea lucruri? De unde sa incep? Mai bine golesc tot pe jos si apoi le aranjez frumos inapoi… asa… si, totusi, cu ce sa incep?

Bilete de tren, de la concerte si spectacole, felicitari, bonuri fiscale, etichete… simple things… Uite, stiam ca are de ce sa-mi fie frica de ele: primele lucruri peste care am dat sunt niste log-uri de cand vorbeam cu Cata pe mIRC in clasa a 9-a, pe care le-a printat pentru mine iarna trecuta… un bilet de la o piesa de teatru la care ar fi trebuit sa merg cu el, dar nu a mai ajuns in Baia Mare in weekend-ul ala…felicitari si vederi de la oameni tari dragi mie [Maria, Steve, Ramona, Ale si Raisa]… biletele de la Gabi si Steve si multe bilete de la piesele de teatru la care am fost in clasa a 11-a si a 12-a cu ei si cu Ovi. Of, mi-e asa dor de liceu! Mi-e dor de clasa a 12-a, cand credeam ca am o viata cat se poate de boema, cand chiuleam de la scoala si spuneam ca ma duc la “pregatire pentru olimpiada”, cand mancam aproape zilnic inghetata – cu portie dubla de frisca si glazura – de la Terasa Parc, cand mergeam in fiecare vineri si sambata seara in Tom si Jerry, cand asteptam sa vina weekend-ul ca sa-l vad…

Ah, uite si felicitarea de la Ramona! Si cea de la Mihaela… martisorul de la steve… felicitarea pe care Cata mi-a facut anul asta de 8 Martie… scrisori pe care nu le-am trimis niciodata… singurul lucru pe care il am de la Alex: un autocolant… un bilet autobuz de cand am fost in Franta in 2001… oare ce mai face Renaud?… bilete de tren de cand am fost la mare cu baietii… mici nimicuri din Grecia si Italia… din Turcia si Germania… biletele de tren de cand am venit sa ma inscriu la facultate… invelisul de la bomboana pe care mi-a adus-o a doua zi de revelion, in 2006… un bon fiscal de la Demi – singurul lucru care imi aminteste de el; nu l-am mai vazut de vreo 3 ani… biletul de autobuz pe care i l-am luat lui Cata din buzunar cand ne-am intalnit in fata la B’Rux, cu un an inainte sa fim impreuna… o bucata de coaja din copacul sub care am stat cand ne-a prins ploaia in parc… si alte nimicuri… multe alte nimicuri…

Si acum… I’m stuck in a moment, which keeps us alive… si sunt prea multe nimicuri… prea multe aminitiri. Imi arata cineva unde e butonul de erase? Va rog!

OmG, I can’t believe this!!!! Finally, there are uRMa clips on you.tube!!! And not one, not two, but three!!! And my favourite one – Buy me with a coffee is also there!!!! Oh, fuck! I’m so happy!!!!!

uRMa – Buy me with a coffee [awesome!!!! ]

uRMa – After all

uRMa – The simple things

Enjoy!!!

I haven’t decided if I’m ok or not with myself when I simply waste my days. Today, for example, I didn’t want to go to school, so I slept till noon. Then I took a shower, read a book, argued with Cata, ate, vacuumed my room, made some tea, avoided writing a presentation for a book and then slept for an hour. Now I’m having my second cup of tea and I’m doing everything possible not to get down to work.

As for my relationship goes, heck, I have no idea what to do or say to him. We’ve talked about what happened on Friday, but we didn’t reach a conclusion. He said that if he hadn’t gone back home, his mum would have never let him come to Bucharest again. That’s lame! And he told me that she doesn’t like the fact that he’s the one who’s always coming here and I don’t want to go to Cluj to see him. Of course I don’t want to do that! It’s stupid! I haven’t been to Cluj tough My Maria asked me so many times and now I’m supposed to go there for him? And how about Mum? Again, she asked me countless times to go home one weekend and I said I can’t cause it’s too long a journey and now I’m supposed to go to Cj, which is only 150km away from Bm? No way!!! It’s funny that he has never told me before he was bothered by this situation. He knows damn well that I’m not going to Cj, no matter what happens. Anyway, I totally hate his mum. I’m not defending him, but I’m pretty sure she insisted that much on going to Cj because she was sure he wanted to come to Bucharest – and that is more than evil, in my opinion. And wtf, I’ve never asked of him to come every fortnight here. I know he has an important exam in June and I know he has a major project to think about. But, nooooo, he told me and he insisted that it was ok to come that often. I hadn’t seen him for 3 months; I could have accepted the situation of seeing him once/month. But he’s Superman, he can handle both school and his parents. Guess what? He’s not! And his mum’s a total bitch and I hate her. And I told him that and now I’m feeling relieved. And I don’t want to see her ever again! I don’t know if I want to see him again. Don’t know…

I’m not angry or anything, it’s just that he makes me sick. He’s a weak person and I hate that. And I’ve told him countless times that he should act like a man not like a puppy. But one thing is for sure: he’s not coming here anymore. I couldn’t even care less! He’s not going to fool me again and let me make plans and everything and then not show up or disappear after a couple of hours. Bastard! And as much as I wanted to go to Cluj when he finished university and be there by his side and meet his colleagues and be proud of him, I’m not going and there’s nothing he can say or do to change my mind. Firstly, his parents will be there [duuuh] and I’m NOT meeting him mum and, secondly, I want to give him a taste of his own medicine. Yes, I’m bitchy and evil, but I don’t care.

So, why don’t I simply break up with him? Now this is a tricky question. Truth is that I’m such in a crappy state of mind that I can’t even think about being with another guy. Only the though of it makes me sick And tough I’ve seen lots of cute guys it seems that I’ve lost interest in fantasizing having a relationship with another person. No one interests me. And it’s not the fact of being alone that scares me. Heck, nothing really scares me, but I don’t know… letting him go would me such a major change in my life and it’s not the moment. I’m not ready for that. Not yet. Maybe he’ll finally realise that this is not working, that we can’t have one peaceful month and he’ll be the one who’ll put an end to this. Till then I’ll go on and be as bitchy as possible with him. Bastard!

The good news is that my happiness doesn’t come only from this relationship. What I’m trying to say is that whenever we’re having a fight, he can’t do anything else. He’s mad and upset, he doesn’t want to talk to anyone, he doesn’t want to see his friends, he can’t study, nothing can make him happy in those moments. Thank God, I’m not like that at all! I can easily put aside those bad feelings and enjoy some pleasant ones. Just like now: I’m still very excited about the trip to Brasov. It was awesome! I bought lots of books, I met a very nice person – heya, Alex! , ahhh, it was simply great! And yesterday I went to a very nice tea house with Jen and Oompa and I had a great time! It was so cool to have one of those girl talks with two very special persons in a quaint tea house. Simply loved it!

And now I’m über excited about my future iPod! Yes, I’m buying a 30GB iPod! I won’t receive it till May, when Dana comes to Romania, but only the thought that I’m going to have one makes me jump around! And I don’t know if I should order a case or those very cute iPod socks. I know the case will offer my iPod more protection, but those socks are mighty colourful! Anyway, I still have lots of time to decide which one to buy, but suggestions are always welcome!

And now for some pictures

My future iPod

my Converse

My Maria and me

the same

I love this pic!

in February, when I used to be happy and smile a lot

I’m so fucked up I can hardly write. I can’t believe this has happened! No, I refuse to believe it’s true! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What’s the big fuss all about? I’ll tell you what it’s about! I had managed to gather enough strength and tell Mum that Cata was coming over for the weekend. To my eternal surprise, she said it was ok and from her voice I could tell she considered it as being a normal thing in your situation [thank you, Mum!*1]. Then, this morning I went to the railroad station to pick Cata up. Happy happy joy joy! It’s not hard to imagine how much I had missed him. Everything went perfect till I had to go to work. What do you know? I had to way for my “boss” for more than 2h for a 10-minute talk!!!!!!! WHY?!!!! And add the 3h I spent on the road from my home to the publishing house and back, it’s a total of 5 fuckin’ hours we had spent apart this day! Mooooving ooooon: all it’s ok, we watch MASH, we talk, we’re preparing to make some French fries when his telephone rings. Guess what? It’s his mum [update: he didn't tell her he was coming here for the weekend]. Surprise, surprise: she wants to come tomorrow morning to Cluj so that they both can go shopping [personal opinion: ]. Of course they argue over the phone, Cata’s dad [a really nice man] tries to convince his wife that it’s not necessary for her to go if Cata doesn’t want that, but noooooooo, he either likes it or not, tomorrow she’ll be in Cluj. So the bastard [Cata] doesn’t have to guts to tell his mum he’s here and what does he do? Drags me to the railroad station buys a ticket for the 23:30 train and leaves. BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now it’s just me, myself and I We were supposed to go to Brasov tomorrow!!! We were supposed to go to a conference Sunday morning!!! It was supposed to be our weekend!!!! WHY THE FUCK DID IT GET SCREWED UP???!!!! WHY?????!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know whom to blame. Firstly, it’s his fault: he should have told his mum that he’s here, not go running like a puppy back to Cluj. For fuck’s sake, what could she have done to him? Kill him? I truly doubt it! Then she has her part of guilt, too: if she saw that Cata didn’t want to see her tomorrow, why the fuck did she insist on going? Didn’t she think he might have his reasons for not wanting to see her tomorrow???? And besides, he was home last weekend and she saw him there. Why the fuck can’t she leave him alone????!!!! He’s fuckin’ 22, not a baby!

Of course I tried to be supportive and shit and told him it’s ok and he should go, but on the inside I was bleeding. How can she be so absurd and how can he be such a coward?! And why the fuck am I caught in the middle? I didn’t cry while I was with him, but the minute I turned around and headed for the tub station, I was in tears. I cried in the station, I cried on the phone while talking to Mum [thank you, Mum!*2], I cried on the tube, I cried on the bus, fuck, I’m crying as I’m writing this. And I have all these mixed feelings: rage, anger, disappointment, sadness, emptiness, disappointment, disappointment… I don’t know how I would have reacted if I were in his place, but I’m sure I wouldn’t have taken the first train home. As much as it would have hurt, I would have told Mum that I had lied to her and that I’m NOT going back until Monday. Truth is that Mum knows I’m a little cu-cu when I’m in love and I tend to do some crazy things and she let’s me go my way [thank you, Mum!*3]. Oh, wtf, I can’t really blame him, cause I don’t know what his relation with his mum is [though he told me she understands him and they are buddies] and I know how painful is to make your mother sad/cry and to disappoint her [sorry, Mum! ]. Maybe the right thing to do was to leave, but I don’t know… like I’ve said, we’re not babies; she might have understood the situation if Cata had explained it to her. But no… he took the first fuckin’ train back home!!!!!!!!! FUCKIN’ COWARD!!!! FUCKIN’ BASTARD!!!! [I'm that revolted cause he chose HER instead of ME, when he could have confronted HER and remain with ME!!!!!] FUCKIN’ COWARD! A thing is great: I finally realised my Mum’s awesome! Yes, she gets on my nerves from time to time, but when it comes to personal liberty, to taking decisions on my own, of making my own schedule, I’m free as a bird! [THANK YOU, MUM!*3]

Now there are bits of pieces of the happy hours we had spent together, everywhere. There’s the potato I peeled, the unmade bed where we watched MASH, the tulips we bought, his camera [yeah, we wanted to take some pictures of us together cause we have only like 3 or so; ironic, isn't it?], his jacket [didn't want to take it back with him], the chocolate we ate together, his bottle of green apple juice… and here I am, left to deal with his absence once more. BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I’m still going to Brasov tomorrow; on my own. And I will have fun! And I won’t cry! And I will have buying-books therapy! And I will smile! And I won’t think about him! And… BASTARD!!!!!