Rainbow Child

I am incapable of being content. Not happy – content. Since I can remember I have always wanted to be someone else. Not to have what someone has, but to be them. No matter how many things I buy, how many cities I visit, how many books I read, how many boyfriends I have, I’m still dissatisfied, disappointed, unhappy. And it’s all my fault. Actually, I don’t know if I call it ‘fault’. It’s rather a malfunction of my system. I can write lists after lists with things that make me ‘happy’ but that doesn’t mean that I really feel that way.

I didn’t ask for any of this but everything is because of me. And I don’t know how to live blaming myself and also motivating myself. Like everything else about me, this is just another paradox.

*Wir sind Helden – Die Träume anderer Leute

I’m blogging while a nice lady is cleaning the apartment. I should feel guilty for not doing it myself but we’ve come to the conclusion that our free time is more important than having a tidy place. In Baia Mare we’ve had a cleaning lady since I was 13. I’ve always been a bit of a hoarder, clinging to things I didn’t use and not being able to throw them away, so it was good that there was someone who made me give up lots of useless things. I’ve recently opened my desk drawer and it’s so full that I can’t put anything inside anymore. I have to take it out, empty it and throw away everything that I don’t need. I’ll probably open it 50 more times until I’ll manage to clean it. I don’t know why I’m so attached to stupid useless things, why I can’t get rid of them.

I don’t know how long it takes to start climbing as if you know the technique but I’m definitely not there yet. I’m going there for fun and for the exercise and I don’t focus on how to get up, I just do. Sometimes when I’m at the middle of the panel I realise that I don’t know what to do next and I laugh and lose my balance. On the other hand, it feels so good when I reach the top and I’m out of breath and out of strength. I love each and every bruise I get from climbing and every callosity (is this the right term?) on my palms. I think that physical activity is very rewarding but the real challenge is to find an activity that suits you.

Lately it’s all been about me, me, me. Three days a week I go climbing and one evening I go and talk to A., my therapist. And it feels great to have such things to fill my time with. I’m very active and I wouldn’t miss one of those session for anything in the world. I finally realise how important it is to put myself first. I’m really pampering myself and it shows. *And they can’t take that away from me

The only thing that bothers me is that I can’t find the right settings for my camera. I’ve played a bit with the contrast and the white balance and everything and I still haven’t found the perfect combination. The colours are not bright enough and the pics look as if they were taken in the ’70s or something. I don’t have the patience to read miles and miles of articles about how to set your white balance but I think I’ll have to resort to that in the end…

I want to write about Sibiu and the official end of the year (for me 2011 will end a bit later) but I’m already back in this crappy routine and I feel like everything happened a long long time ago. Basically, it was great. We met Béranger and C. and we had a lovely time together. Thinking about them and friends in general I can’t figure out what it takes for a friendship to survive. I mean, it’s obvious that we’re not all the same, that we have different world views, that there are small things that annoy us but in the end we still feel good when we meet and we miss each other when we’re apart. I guess that I can get over many things as long as I feel that I can rely on the other person and as soon as I see that I can’t do that anymore I back away and then I don’t even suffer when it’s over.

There are two things I love about Sibiu: the buildings from the city center and the food. I could go there and eat all day and just walk around the same beautiful streets all day long. It’s such a pity that Bucharest doesn’t have such a pedestrian area. Lipscani is so small and so… small. You go up on one street, come down on another one and that’s that. (But I do appreciate all the pubs there! )

Now I’m back in Bucharest and I’m miserable cause I have to do go to work. It’s absolutely horrible to do something which you don’t like, to be forced to do it. It’s not that I don’t like my actual work – I like it, I really do! – but OMG how difficult it is for me to have a schedule, to spend 8h on a chair, to go there every bloody day. On the other hand, it’d be depressed if I just stayed at home and did nothing and had no money. A part-time job would fit me like a glove but they don’t grow on trees and I get no answers to the CVs I send. I have to stop complaining, look harder for a new job and get the hell out of there!

The best part of Christmas is the second day when my parents go to have fun at their friends’ place and I stay behind and I’m alone for a couple of hours. I spend 2 1/2 days with my family in the countryside and I feel that I’ve said everything there was to say and that we had a lovely Christmas together and now I can reward myself with a bit of me time.

Up until now I’ve had a great time home. Tiring but great. I don’t feel that I’ve missed much by not keeping in touch with many people. Yes, I miss some of my classmates but I’m not as sociable as I used to be, I’m not that open. I hate it when people don’t mix, when there are awkward pauses in the conversation and I feel good only with people I’ve know for years and whom I can rely on. The night I went out with Steve and M. was fantastic from my point of view. We had something to drink, the conversation was great and I felt that we were going to meet for many more years to come. I think one of my resolutions will be to let go of people who don’t mean that much to me and stick to the ones who deserve it. There are things I can get over and there are things that are a deal breaker. And for my peace of mind I’m not going to accept any deal breakers.

Spending time with my extended family was okish except that the kids become tiring the third morning and at one point the grown-ups surrounded me with stupid questions: ‘When are you getting married?’ ‘Why hasn’t he joined you here?’ ‘Are you still with him?’ ‘Do you still have feelings for him?’ etc. etc. etc. I know that they always do that and I know that I can’t stop them (that much I’ve learned by going to therapy) but sometimes I wish I could put them on mute and explain that I never ask them about their personal business and that I hate it when they’re trying to be funny by asking me such idiotic questions but I’m pretty sure that next time they would ask the same questions all over again. So I just took a deep breath, told them I’m not getting married and changed the subject. But it bothers me that they still don’t know me/understand me and that they think that I’ll change my mind and do what’s expected of me.

I can’t believe I’m the oldest one among my cousins and other relatives! That I’m an aunt who brings them presents for Christmas and who has a fancy phone and who got a cool haircut and colours her hair! I remember vividly the times when I looked up to my cousins and now it’s scary that there are others who look up to me. Even tough we are so different we are still bound together by this thing called ‘family’. This concept still puzzles me and 50% of time I want to be as far as possible from it (family) and the other half I’d give anything to be closer… I can only hope that one day I’ll know what I actually want.

*Bon Iver – Blood Bank